[4. the beautiful and the damned ]

Stacie Anderson, [Gramercy Park Hotel, Gramercy, New York City, NY]

The party showed no sign of slowing down or stopping. I walked back into the large room, filled with hundreds of people, familiar faces I recognised from hours before, and then countless others who I didn’t.
I quickened my steps now, in a frantic rush to look for Daniel, realising that it must be pretty late by now, and wanting to be with him and in his arms on my birthday. Music had been blaring from the DJ booth for what seemed like hours on end, and the atmosphere was so electric and fully charged that it was impossible for the party atmosphere to get any better than it already was. Even as I stepped forward into the room and walked around, trying to find one face – or a group of faces I recognised, it was impossible not to get drawn in to the happy vibe of the room – it was instant, almost like a drug.
I was happy – happy to be here, to have met the people I needed to, to have met Daniel’s best friend – somebody who was close to him, who was clearly more than a lingering associate or acquantaince. And furthermore, I was even happier because he was the one person- besides Daniel, who seeemed real and genuine to me, and despite the few hours we had known each other, I believed everything he had said to be true.
I walked past the thick velvet red drapes that hung down from every booth that was located around the room, located on the very edge of the room so as not to get in the way of the huge dancefloor located in the middle. The room was heaving, the air was hot and humid, and it would be all too easy for me to give up my search for Daniel, and head back to where Jude had said he would be. I looked down and fiddled with my clutch bag, pulling my mobile out hastily and punching in his number, knowing it would be useless. Although his phone had not gone straight to voicemail, it would have been simply impossible for Daniel to hear his phone, so I hung up, without leaving a message. I was determined to find him – he had to be here – where else would he be?
I had circulated the entire room without any luck. I pushed my hair back with my hands and grabbed another champagne flute quickly from a passing waiter. I sipped it slowly, before shifting my feet from right to left, all too aware that my stilettos were causing me to be in a great amount of pain. I smiled and charmed my way through a barrage of people until I got to the far exit, at the very furthest point of the room, next to the door, and finally in frustration, I flipped out my phone again. I scrolled down to find Daniel’s number, and as his phoen went through to voicemail again, this time I decided to leave a message. I couldn’t find him, and as I glanced down at my watch, I realised it was 11.00, and I wasn’t entirely sure if we would ever find each other through all of these hundreds of people. After leaving a message, I snapped my phone shut, slightly agitated, and ran my hands through my loose curls again before I decided to head back to where I had left Jude. I looked at my watch again – 11.02 – and realised that I hadn’t phoned not one of my friends to apologise about skipping out on my own birthday plans that they had spent time organising for me. Daniel had left it quite late to tell me about the party, and he had said it in such a way that I couldn’t say no, and guilt is underestimated as a strong emotion.
I walked slowly towards the last booth on the right hand side, and carefully towards the door, where the atmosphere and general chatter of the room had died right down to just a general whisper. I typed in Winona’s number quickly into my keypad, listening out for her sharp voice when answering the phone - once again, it was voicemail, and before I had time to leave a message, my train of thoughts were interrupted by raised voices and arguing coming from inside the last booth.
The thing that had alerted me to this wasn’t the volume of the voices – it was the fact that both of these voices were familiar – all too familiar to me, before I suddenly realised that there couldn’t be any other two people inside the booth apart from Daniel and his assistant Sonja Matthews, who I knew, and what she had recently admitted to me out of spite, that she had had a longtime and long suffering crush on her boss, and now that she had waited for all of this time, was keen to see her plans through, regardless of the results or the consequences that ensued afterward.
I couldn’t help but stand outside and try my best to listen. I don’t know what had come over me – the little voice inside of me was raging, my natural curiosity was killing me, I was trying to force my entire mind to listen and react, to will my limbs to move and interrupt whatever was going on, wanting to know why tonight, of all nights, I was not finishing the night with my boyfriend, and why he was not with me. It had been his thing – his party – his night – the one night where it felt like the entire spotlight was on him, created for him, and my birthday night.
Just as I was about to part the heavy drapes and go through into the large booth, the curtains suddenly parted in front of me, and Sonja emerged, looking distressed, angry and agitated. Her cheeks were flushed a deep crimson colour despite her brown skin, and she gave me a long, cold stare up and down, until she broke off her gaze and tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear, straightened her dress at its hem, and walked away from me, having regained her calm and composure as she made her way back towards the bustling throng and centre of the party.
I watched her walk away from me, trying to decipher what had happened, what had been said. Its not that I was jealous – there was nothing for me to be jealous of, but her position as Daniel’s assistant was starting to look more and more ominous every day.
Sonja and Daniel had mentioned my name during their argument – that much had been clear. I made my way through the red drapes to find Daniel standing beside the table, looking down at his feet, a brooding and pained expression on his face, before he turned to the glass flute next to him and suddenly downed the beige bubbly liquid all in one go.
He finally tore his eyes away from his glass to look at me, to let his eyes rest on my face, to look into my eyes without having to hide, without any distractions.
I looked into his face and saw a look so pained that it caused me to flinch – he couldn’t even bear to look at me for longer than a couple of seconds. His eyes were as beautiful as ever, but his pupils were dilated, the rims of his eyes slightly bloodshot, and he wore an expression that seemed to convey he was suffering a never ending amount of emotional torture. I moved closer to him – unsure of what would happen next. I don’t know if the alcohol he had had – as an added factor to all of this, contributed to how he was feeling now, in this minute, but he looked so small and distant that I was afraid that any physical touch from me would cause him to break down into a million little pieces.
Our faces were inches away from each others now – and although my hands remained firmly at my sides, my eyes searched for his, wanting to read his expression, wanting, needing to know what he was thinking – how we had gotten to this point, and what had just happened in the last five minutes that seemed to have changed and affected the dynamic of the entire evening, my eyes refusing to leave his face, as his eyes started to slowly betray what he was really feeling.
I looked up at him now, and spoke, my voice barely audible above a gentle whisper. “I heard my name.” I said to him.
He looked down at me, and despite his expression, he gave me a small, pinched smile. He shakes his head and presses a finger against my lips, to stop me from asking anymore questions. His inability to use his mouth all of a sudden causes me to try and read his body language, read between the lines. I want him to know he can tell me, he can always tell me anything, and now I want to know what is wrong, what has shaken him up this much as opposed to the happy, loving perfect man who was my boyfriend.
Despite my misgivings, I put my hand up to his face lovingly and caress his cheek, cradling his face in my hand. I feel his face tighten and tense at my touch, before I start to stroke it, wanting to tell him everything’s going to be OK. For a fraction of a second, he closes his eyes briefly and allows his face to relax, his facial muscles underneath his skin relaxing at my touch.
He opens his eyes again suddenly, and stiffens, before he grabs hold of my hand and pushes it away from his face, suddenl y becoming agitated and restless.
My mind starts to race – What did Sonja and Daniel say to each other that now left him like this? He looked at me, a pleading expression now all across his face, and all of a sudden he grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him when he had already pushed me away, our hands locked together, our fingers intertwining. He pulled me close to him as he kissed the top of my forehead, his lips pressing gently on the top of my forehead. I looked into his face again, searching out for the truth in his eyes, and a sense of pervading dread started to wash all over me. As his lips pressed desperately against my skin, I couldn’t help but feel clammy and uneasy at all of this – I wanted him to tell me everything; anything – whatever it was – I couldn’t make any sense of this on my own. I wanted to be closer to him, nearer to him, to let him know I was here, and would listen, whenever he needed me to.
“Whatever it is – we can get through it together. I know you love me, you can tell me anything. I have many talents. One of them is listening, and you just have to let me do it.”
At the sound of my voice, as my words resonated with him, he closed my eyes and inhaled deeply . Daniel looked as if his entire body was in pain – as if he was being tortured, wanting it all to be over but not knowing quite how to get out of it.
He opened his eyes and looked at me, and took a step back away from me as he finally allowed himself to look at me for longer than a few seconds.
“I need to tell you something.” He said, looking at me, before he looked down at the floor, a brooding expression arising on his face once again.
“What – what is it? Baby – just tell me, whatever it is…. Please…”
“I can’t….” He breaks off, and looks at me, his eyes filled with tears. He looks so small and fragile, a complete depletion of the man that I saw charm every single person at the party tonight not more than 3 hours ago.
“Yes! Yes, you can. I’m right here. You can tell me – you can tell me anything.”
“I slept with Sonja.”
Those four words and five syllables felt like I had just taken a bullet straight to the heart. I could hear his words echoing in my ears, each decibel still ringing and reverberating around my ear drum, but somehow, my mind couldn’t register and make sense of the words. I wasn’t completely sure if my mind had simply failed to understand through the massive onset of shock, or if my mind had understood but had failed to make any sense of them and manage to link it to the reality – a sweet dream which had turned into a beautiful nightmare which I was now stuck in, and despite my best intentions, I didn’t want to believe. I didn’t want to believe and let go, and believe what he was telling me was the truth. I was convinced he was lying, convinced that it wasn’t exactly the truth. I was so consumed and overwhelmed with shock that if this was a dream, I disallowed myself to wake up and face the reality.
But it wasn’t a dream, and shock consumed me – utterly, entirely, and completely. Even though Daniel was standing right in front of me, waiting, hoping, needing, and praying me to say something, for some kind of response, he seemed more than a million miles away as I stood where I was, my feet frozen in place, but at the same time I felt as If I was about to collapse and my legs were about to give way at any minute.
Everything seems to be in slow motion and far away. I look up at Daniel and see him coming nearer, moving closer towards me, but, when a minute ago, I would have wanted him in my arms, now I couldn’t wait to get away from him. But a part of me didn’t want to leave. A part of me wanted to stay and demand to know why – why any of this had had to happen – why any of this had had to happen to me. I was starting to feel that bad luck was just one of those things in my life that was going to be inevitable.
I can see him getting closer and closer towards me – I can see his hands coming towards me – coming towards my body, my skin. I can’t bear to have him touching me – not now. I can’t bear to have his hands – those hands that have touched her, that have roamed all over Sonja’s body – they can’t be anywhere near me – I couldn’t have him anywhere near me. I stand there in shock, blinking back tears, unable to breathe, as if someone has just punched me in my stomach and stabbed me at the very epicentre of my heart, and watched as its broken and shattered into tiny pieces in front of us, pieces that have now become irrevocable to fix and to mend by him – even over time.
“Say something. Please – speak to me, Stacie. I need to know what you’re thinking.” Daniel says, looking at me.
My expression is blank – at this moment in time, I’m in shock. I thought I would be in extreme, consuming pain, but I feel empty – I feel nothing. I feel numb – and my eyes feel as if they have become glazed over, as if they have been drained of all my feelings and emotions – as if you can see right through me, right through me and into my empty soul. The fire inside me that had burned, that had been recently been stoked and brought back to life again by falling in love had once again died and burnt out, leaving my soul behind with nothing but cinder and ash. I looked at Daniel – into his face and into his eyes, and whereas before I always used to marvel at what his eyes used to tell me, how much I knew he loved me, now all that had gone – evaporated, vanished. Now I looked into his face, and saw straight through him. He had become transparent and empty – a clear void.
Despite all of this, I am unable to put my mind and my body back together and make them work together as one.
I can see him coming towards me now, and although every part of me is screaming loudly to get away from him, his presence, his touch, I allow myself to stand there, while he gets closer. I allow myself to stand still and silent, in shock, as his lips start to cover my face with quick, soft kisses, remaining still and unresponsive as he kisses me gently on the mouth, his lips brushing against mine. At that moment Sonja’s face, and all her other expressions of spite flash through my head, and I push Daniel away, weakly with both my hands. My body feels incredibly weak and sluggish that this doesn’t get him very far away from me. I don’t know how it is possible to feel this emotionally drained, so completely all so quickly, but it has happened to me. I flinch away from Daniel in disgust as silent trails of salty tears fall down my cheeks, and my defenses fall, and I’m overwhelmed and consumed by my tears – his betrayal.
The party seems all but alien to me now – to me, I feel there is nothing beyond those red drapes – nothing out there for me to look forward to, only my friends for me to go home to, the only silver lining to appear out of this entire surreal situation that I now find myself in – wishing I was anywhere but here.
“What are you thinking? Stacie – baby, please. I love you so much, and it’s destroyed me to have done this to you, but I just couldn’t lie to you. Isn’t that worth something? Talk to me, Stacie!”
“I….. I…..” I struggle to find the words, and all of a sudden my lungs start to constrict in my throat, and I struggle to breathe, and find myself gasping and gulping for air, taking deep breaths, but still finding myself unable to formulate a sentence to signify my thoughts and feelings – everything that I’m feeling.
“I can’t do this…. I can’t do this with you. Not now. Not ever.”
“WHAT? What do you mean? I know you don’t mean that… it was one silly, stupid mistake, and I never meant to hurt you. It meant nothing, absolutely nothing to me. You have to believe me. You are the only person – only woman for me. I love you.”
“I can’t do this… I can’t… I just can’t… you’re a different person to me now. I used to think you would never hurt me, never ever.”
“This can’t be it… this just can’t be…. I can’t lose you.” Daniel said, as he looked at me, tears in his eyes. “I can’t be without these arms, these legs, these hands, your smile... your heart, your beautiful heart...” He said, reaching up and stroking my arms, every part of my body, his hands intertwining with my own as our faces was inches away from each other now.
“Why? Why did you do this? Why Sonja?”
“I don’t know…. I wasn’t thinking…I was there, and needed someone to talk to… it only happened once.”
“Why couldn’t you have talked to me? Is that such a difficult concept for you to imagine that you’d rather be on top of someone else?” I asked, looking up at him, a fierce look in his eyes.
“I needed to talk to someone, and Sonja was there, and she forced herself on me. And before I knew what was happening, or even begin to make sense of anything….”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses. About any of it. I thought everything was OK between us. That we were OK.” I said, looking at him, tears staining my cheeks.
“How could you possibly think things were OK between us after what happened? I told you I loved you and I got nothing. I already felt like shit, and your attempts to try and make me feel better didn’t work.”
“So, I should have lied to you, and told you I was in love with you when I wasn’t.... to stop you from running into the arms of another woman?”
“No… I just… I don’t know how to make sense of what I’ve done… or even of my feelings.”
“I told you the truth. I loved you, I just needed a little bit more time to figure out what that love really means. But that’s gone now, you’ve destroyed it. You broke us – what we had – it’s broken. It’s gone. I can’t do this. “
I look at him and shake my head, as I start to walk past him. He grabs my arm softly but strongly, turning my arm and forcing my body to turn and meet his.
“This can’t be it… we need to talk about this… I can’t lose you…”
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face now, and was all too suddenly aware of the fact that there was still an ongoing party happening just outside the red drapes hanging between the world in here, and the world outside, both separate to me now, and I found myself scared and unable to make sense of either of them or what had just happened.
“What do you want to talk about, Daniel? How bad it feels to stand here and hear this from you? From the man I was starting to fall in love with?”
“I don’t know what I can say to rectify the hurt and pain I’ve caused you, but you have to believe me when I say I’m sorry.”
“What’s wrong with me wanting one normal thing in my life? To have a boyfriend in my life that won’t hurt me, who won’t do this to me?” I said, speaking more to myself than to Daniel – trying to come to terms with everything that had happened in my own mind.
“Its over. This will be the last time you ever see me.” I said, letting go of his hand, turning and walking through the drapes and back into the main centrestage of the party, allowing myself to be drawn into the atmosphere, letting the music wash over me and attempt to block everything else out.