*
Darren Anderson, [Mount Sinai Hospital, West Manhattan, New York City, NY]
Darren Anderson, [Mount Sinai Hospital, West Manhattan, New York City, NY]
“I never thought we'd be here... right where we are... so quickly.”
“I know.”
“I hate to think I'm sounding selfish... I know everyone has their problems, dilemmas in their own lives, but right here, right now, I'm so unbelievably happy.”
I looked over at my wife, a few minutes of silence passing between us, before I looked down at our little daughter, asleep in my arms, and every part of her being completely perfect.
“I can't believe this is all happening.” I said, feeling as if I was part of a dreamworld instead of reality.
Although I was incredibly tired, I couldn't bear to be away from her, even for a second. I knew that I would miss her too much to even be out of the room, downstairs fixing myself a cup of coffee. Her little body shook as she moved slightly, my arms immediately adjusting themselves – catering to her every movement. As she lazily opened her eyes and looked around her sleepily, I knew that the last 52 hours had been the very best of my entire life, and whatever lay ahead, I didn't care, it had all been worth it.
We decided to name our daughter Autumn Selene, and as she peered up at me and looked into my eyes, I knew that she was perfect, and there wasn't a better name that we could have given her. Her skin was the colour of light caramel, and was offset by her eyes, which were midnight blue, and almost black in colour. Her eyes now closed again, Autumn's cheeks blushing angrily as she yawned, colouring them a deep shade of crimson. Her face was incredibly beautiful, and she had striking symmetrical features along with a rosebud mouth that opened and closed in a tiny 'o' shape as she blew little colostrum bubbles in her sleep. Her lips were bee-stung and a shade darker than her skin, and the little bronze coloured tuft of hair on her had was incredibly cute, and everytime I looked at her, Autumn managed to disarm me completely all over again. Thanks to Tasha, I was sure that she was going to inherit her mother's stunning looks, but I knew that she would have the personality to match too.
It's now early evening on Autumn's first day on earth, and her very first introductions to the world, having only seen her mother, me, and the inside of the delivery room, and a quick sneaky walk around the hospital, only taking her back when she started to cry gently.
For the past 3 hours, Natasha has been asleep and I've been with Autumn, talking to her gently, telling her all about our lives together, and the story of how she was born, and how she was the best thing both of us have ever achieved.
Now Tasha is lying in bed, still weak and tired, but propped up by countless pillows all around her. I slowly hand her over to Tasha, so she can cradle her in her arms almost as much as I have had the luxury of doing. Autumn gives Tasha a small smile, and as she nestles comfortably into her mother's arms, her head conveniently near her breast, she gives a small yawn and wraps her tiny fingers tightly around one of Natasha's fingers as she falls back to sleep. i lean my body forward slightly to kiss my beautiful wife, more happy than I have ever been before. The delivery room is still filled with balloons of every colour, the most being of blue and pink, not to mention several teddy bears and cuddly toys that vary – from as tiny as Autumn herself to practically life size.
i'm now sitting, legs crossed on the foot of the bed, recording videos and taking a few pictures of us for proud grandparents, the rest of the family, as well as Autumn when she gets older. I unload the camera slowly and put it carefully back into the hand luggage that accompanied Tasha to the hospital.
We both knew that our life as we knew it was over – that our current lives were about to drastically alter and change in ways we hadn't even imagine or prepare for. I looked over at Natasha cradling Autumn and smiled – all of a sudden, fatherhood felt like the most natural thing in the world to me, and because of the impact of this little perfect person, I wanted to be a better person, and I knew that because of her, I would be.
I looked up again to see Natasha sitting silently with Autumn in her arms, silently crying as she kept looking down at Autumn and shaking her head in frustration. I watched her arms tighten around Autumn as she held her closer to her, wrapped her up in her arms and her natural scent.
“I can't do it... I can't do this....” Tasha said, looking up at me, her eyes opening wide, her face entirely tear stained.
“What do you mean?” I said, holding out my arms towards her as I wrapped the two most important people in my life around me, making sure that Autumn had room to breathe, and not wanting to interrupt her sleep as I held Natasha in my arms tightly, letting her know I was here for exactly this – anything she needed, and more.
'What's wrong?” I said to her, as I looked into her eyes, holding her face in my hands as I kissed her slowly on the mouth.
Natasha's eyes told me she was scared – incredibly scared of everything that was happening, and although it was the good kind of scary and not the scary, she still remained incredibly overwhelmed and vulnerable.
“I can't feel it. Shouldn't I be able to feel it?” She said, looking up at me, tears in her eyes, her expression conveying frantic desperation.
I took a deep breath and looked at her, pulling her closer to me. 'baby – feel what? I can't imagine all the feelings you must have.. its just going to take some time...'
Tasha stiffened and looked at me, dead in the eye and straightened up again, her whole body tight. 'I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, I can't make sense of it. But I know there's supposed to be this overwhelming sense of love for her - ' she said, signalling to Autumn lying contentedly in her arms, “but its not there. I don't feel anything for her – that's crazy. I mean, I'm supposed to love her – to realise all in one second that she's the most important person in the world to me – the most important part of my life – but its not there.”
She continued to talk to me, whilst holding Autumn in her arms, and staring at her intently for a few minutes at various intervals – wanting, wishing, always needing to think that things would click into place and this overwhelming sense of love would consume her.
“Tash – you're putting way too much pressure on all of this. You've just done this immensely powerful thing – given birth to our child – and its bigger than me, than us, bigger than I could have possibly imagined – and you did it all on your own. Do you know how amazing that is – how amazing you are as a person? Nobody's expecting you to make sense of every single emotion you're having right now.'
“Darren – listen to me. I understand what you are saying, but I'm talking about basic emotions – instinctual emotions, even. Did you have any doubts about how much you loved Autumn when you first saw her? Its been just over two days now, and still I can't feel anything for her. Its as if she means nothing to me.” Tasha said, looking at me, unable to stop her tears from running down her cheeks once again. She stiffened as she looked down at Tasha.
“Take her away from me. I can't do any of this right now. I'm tired – I'm still so tired.'
I nodded silently, and wrapped Autumn carefully up in my arms again. She held out a tiny hand as she looked at me, and as I held her up in my arms, she pressed one tiny palm against my cheek, a curious look on her face, and just like her mother, she closed her eyes and fell back into sleep.
*
Darren Anderson, [Mount Sinai Hospital, West Manhattan, New York City, NY]
My mind had been like a rollercoaster of emotions for hours now – various things had passed me by in a complete blur, to the point where I had forgotten to think about anything else that was or might be happening outside of these four whitewashed walls.
I had been contained in what felt like a perfectly formed litle bubble all of my own, with the two people that mattered most in the world to me at my side. For the last 2 days, I had felt so unbelievably happy that I felt as if I’d explode.
When I looked at Autumn, even now, watching her as she slept soundly beside us, oblivious and without a care in the world, a smug smile on her face, even as she dreamt, I couldn’t help but gravitate towards her and love her unconditionally with every part of me – every part of my being and with every bone in my body.
It wasn’t logic that made me act this way, it was love. And, even with the unlikeliest and unseeming of soon to be parents, as soon as their child comes into their lives, all of their doubts melt away, and even though it leaves nothing but annoying impracticalites, we have to find a way to deal with it – not for us, not for our want of a better life, but for our children – the people we put before ourselves, the little people who we sacrifice and give up on all our dreams and ambitions we always had – so that our children can have one.
I always thought this was natural to parents – it was natural to me with my parents, and their recent troubles had been one of the first bumps to reality I had seen in lieu of my parents’ seemingly perfect partnership and marriage together. But, as I turned my back slightly away from Autumn, and back towards Natasha, the woman I loved more than life itself, It began to dawn on me that I could have no idea in the world exactly how she was feeling, unless she opened up and talked to me.
It had been 24 hours since Natasha had told me that she had felt no connection and no motherly bond to our beloved daughter. My first reaction wasn’t one of hurt or anger, or even sympathy. I simply wanted, and needed to hold her in my arms for however long it would take for her to bloom again and become the person that I married, the person I loved and would always continue to do so.
Autumn slept right through the night, and continued to do so, even now, having been contentedly full from her feed the day before, but even then, as much as it pained and terrified her to feel this way, she couldn’t will her mind to force something that seemed unnatural to her.
I had held her in my arms from the moment that Autumn had closed her eyes up until a few moments ago, when although still asleep, started to stir and move gently, her eyes remaining tightly shut, as her little chest moved up and down rhythmically. As Autumn lay asleep next to us, unaware of what was happening, Natasha had remained in my arms, but she had been stiff and unmoving, only allowing herself to be wrapped up in my arms because she couldn’t think of anything else to do, she didn’t have any access to do anything else, and she didn’t want to be left alone without my comfort or support with nothing but her thoughts and nightmares to distract and haunt her.
Dawn had arrived, and twilight came and went, and Natasha lay still and silent in my arms. Throughout the night her body had betrayed her thoughts and started to unconsciously unwind, weak to my touch, and wanting some small consolation of body comfort and heat. I stayed awake with her until she finally gave in and fell asleep, during which her body began to shiver and shake, courtesy of the effects that her bad dreams were having on both her physical and mental state of mind, no doubt leaving her emotionally distant and adrift.
“I don’t know what to say…. What to think, how to feel… my mind just can’t do it anymore…I’ve been through all of this a million times in my head and I….” Tasha said, before I brushed my fingers gently over her lips.
“I know… I know we can work this out… you trust me, right? Just like I trust you?”
Tasha closed her eyes and smiled, some of her warm radiant glow creeping slowly back into her cheeks, highlighting her natural beauty.
“You know I do.” She responded, looking at me, and holding my face in her hands, pulling me in closer and closer until her lips found mine and pressed down strongly, eager, not wanting to stop, as if some connection was going to break, becoming lost and broken forever.
We both looked over towards Autumn as a low, muffled noise came from her cot, a low whimper, and before we knew what was happening, I was over to her cot, bending over her and checking she was OK, that she was still alive, still breathing, still beautiful and healthy, and my gorgeous little girl.
Tasha remained behind reluctantly on the bed as I attended to Autumn, who was being slightly muffled by her tiny blanket, which she had now managed to entangle herself in, the light baby pink sheet finding its way up around her ears. I lifted her effortlessly and easily out of her cot as if she was as light as a feather, and to me, she was, as I brought her around carefully and walked back across the room towards the bed, where I sat down at the end of the bed, Autumn snugly in my arms, and looked across at Tash, watching, waiting, and hoping to see what her reaction to all of this would be. What would her head tell her? What would her heart commit her to do? And despite her best intentions, or seemingly cruel intentions, who would she listen to?
Tasha remained on the bed, a nervous wreck in front of me, my nervous beautiful wreck, her hands wringing in a horrible circle of tension, guilt and upset from the fact that she hadn’t been able to hold her daughter for more than a few hours, and this had been at the times when Autumn had been hungry, and crying out for her, and when she had no other option left. At first, for the first few days, Tasha wouldn’t let Autumn anywhere near her, she didn’t want to see her anymore than she had to, and allowed the nurse to freely take over and have her free reign, which she clearly indulged in with a baby as beautiful as ours, to the point where the nurse would feed her, bathe her, play with her, laugh with her – whenever she was not with me, which meant the nurse really had her for only 3 hours of the day, but Tasha would wake up in the morning and not see her daughter again until she stood over her at night, and talked to her while she slept, believing that this was the safest way that all of this could work, and therefore have a chance at succeeding.
“We’re OK, everything’s going to be great. I promise. I love you so much, Natasha Baila, I don’t want you to forget that – whatever happens, just know that, OK?”
Tasha looked at me and smiled, the first real genuine smile I had seen since Ava had been born. At that moment, Autumn started to struggle in my arms, her small little body began to pull at the points where my arms wrapped around her, acting like a shield. Her whimpers turned to moans, before moans turned to cries, and her constant crying began to turn to screams. Suddenly, Autumn gave one last push, and with a result, she had managed to poke one tiny fist out of my hold, and into the air. She worked on getting her other hand free before I gave up, exasperated by not being able to understand what she wanted, but at the same time it was impossible to take my eyes from her – this beautiful little person who was a part of me, who had the world at her feet, and it took my breath away each and every time I thought about what transition our daughter would go through next. Meanwhile, Autumn refused to give up and still struggled against my loose grip, almost to the point where if she pushed hard enough she would fall out of my arms. She reached up and held out her hands achingly, needingly towards Tasha and moaned and whimpered. Tasha looked confused as she looked at her daughter directly in the eye, and then immediately averted her eyes towards me, looking for a back up plan or an exit strategy.
Autumn wasn't aware of what was going on between us, the only thing she seemed to focus on was the fact that suddenly she was not the focal point for neither of us anymore for the past minute, and started to cry and moan until our attentions were steered back around to her.
I shook my head slowly as Autumn pushed against me, holding out for a fall or for something to happen before I would lose my focus.
Tasha looked at me beseechingly again as I looked at her and smiled, albeit a little too smugly. “Sorry Tash, but it’s not going to work. Much as she loves me, she’s officially had enough. She doesn’t want the nurse either, and she’s not hungry, and she’s been changed and looked after thoroughly, so don’t try and get out if it that way either. She wants someone new, someone different – the one person she hasn’t really seen properly for days and wants to spend all her time with so she can smile that perfect smile of hers….” I say, touching her nose lightly as she giggled infectiously as she played with the tips of my fingers, her memory briefly focused on something else before she followed the sound of my voice, and looked in my direction, and looked at Tash and smiled. “She wants her mummy – she just wants you.” I said, looking at Tasha while she closed her eyes in frustration, before she slowly opened them again and finally allowed herself to look at her daughter. I picked Autumn up out of my lap as she held her hands out towards Tash, who cradled her in her arms as she sat curled up in a ball with Tash’s hands placed around her. She started playing with curls and loose tendrils of Tasha’s long hair, as well as burying her head in between Tasha's long loose curls, sometimes pressing her palm and her tiny fingers up to Tash’s cheeks and leaving them there for a few minutes, becoming fascinated by the fact that when she let go, her fingers were shiny and wet, being continually covered with Tasha’s tears.
Although Autumn was just a few weeks old, she was acutely aware of everything that was happening, aware of the people that would sit for hours on end and stare at her, completely wrapped up and enamoured with her, always smiling and obedient, but well trained in perfecting exactly how to make her feelings well and truly clear.
All of a sudden I can hear something from outside – a quiet knock on the door and the sound of muffled voices as Tasha and I both look at each other and smile – giving each other the strength we need to face all of this. I look into Tasha’s eyes, trying desperately to reassure her that she can get through this, and she does the same, letting me know through her radiant, warm expression that everything will be OK. I nodded slowly – things were still a little bit raw between my father and me – but this was a new chapter, a new leaf, a new page, and in order to be a good father and take care of my own family, I had to learn to leave things in the past where they deserve to be – forgotten and alone, and without a care in the world being thrown their way.
“Come in!” I say towards the door, as it opens, and into the bright room walks in Tasha’s parents, Jennifer and Luis, as well as my own parents. Stacie walks in last, head held high and determined to remain strong and upbeat. Stacie gives me a playful smile and punches me on the shoulder, a warm, loving smile that for now, translates all that it needs to, and more. Right here, in this room, and in these moments, sometimes words aren’t needed, or just seem too basic and inadequate to express and show exactly the kind of intricate emotions that everybody goes through. Today, I know she doesn’t want to make it about her, about me, or about anybody else apart from the one person that matter – Autumn.
I’m still sitting on the end of Tasha’s bed, with Tasha propped up in bed, her arms still held awkwardly around Tash, waiting for the moment when someone takes Ava out of her arms and she can breathe again, dispelling her tension. Everybody is still crowded abruptly around the bed until I turn towards Dad, and get up slowly from the bed.
“You should sit down – all of you.” My Mum is carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, alongwith a truckload of cuddly teddy bears and toys that Autumn’s eyes are immediately attracted to. I know she must have cleaned out the local toystore with the amount of excess toys she has managed to bring, this time glad of the fact that she gets to indulge in one of the things she loves the most, and on top of it, is glad she has a good excuse to call upon whenever dad thinks enough is enough and tries to reign her in, although I know she has everybody’s best intentions at heart.
“She’s beautiful, and perfectly capable of taking absolutely anybody’s breath away!” My dad says, perching quietly next to my mother on the large chair at the side of the bed.
I nodded and smiled. “Thanks – for being here. It really means a lot.” I said, looking at him intently and smiling, as he returned my smile, giving me a wink afterwards.
“Of course, despite everything, I wouldn't have missed any of this for the world – I'm so incredibly proud of you – more than you know. I know I've been a terrible father, you deserve someone better than me, who....”
I held up my hand in frustration to silence him. “Dad, please. Let's not do this – not now. The truth is, I need you in my life, now perhaps more than ever, and I don't want to lose you. And for the record, you were an excellent dad – for the most part!” I said, and couldn't help myself as I started to laugh out loud at my dad's seemingly wounded expression.
“So, what do you think? Want to hold your grand-daughhter or what?” I ask, smiling at him. I take Autumn away from Tasha, and then carefully transfer her over to my dad. She is all too aware of the fact that this is someone new – someone unfamiliar. Autumn looks up at her grand-dad, her brown eyes open and wide, turning her face up towards his, and then her eyes finally settle on his shirt and chest in her never ending quest for a source of food. After a couple of moments pass, and she yawns, her eyelashes fluttering wildly like butterfly wings before she settles down and eventually falls asleep in my arms again.
“She's amazing – she's just like you – both of you. I see that in her already. Autumn's already incredibly lucky to have two people who will prove to be incredibly amazing parents, providing her with all the tools and equipment she needs to get through and succeed in her life.” My dad finished, looking at the both of us and delivering a large smile. I couldn't help but hazard a look at Tash, and as she caught my eyes, she quickly focused her attentions back towards Stacie, who was talking to Tash in low whispers that were barely audible above the general hum of chatter in the room.
A few hours later, everybody started to say their goodbyes, reluctantly leaving Autumn behind and back with us. Stacie was the first to leave, but now was not the time to start questioning her about it, and once again, myself, Tasha, and Autumn found ourselves alone. She is lying contentedly in my arms now, sucking her thumb, but I can see her eyelids are heavy, and despite her best intentions, I know she's about to fall asleep at any minute, and then she does.
*
My mind had been like a rollercoaster of emotions for hours now – various things had passed me by in a complete blur, to the point where I had forgotten to think about anything else that was or might be happening outside of these four whitewashed walls.
I had been contained in what felt like a perfectly formed litle bubble all of my own, with the two people that mattered most in the world to me at my side. For the last 2 days, I had felt so unbelievably happy that I felt as if I’d explode.
When I looked at Autumn, even now, watching her as she slept soundly beside us, oblivious and without a care in the world, a smug smile on her face, even as she dreamt, I couldn’t help but gravitate towards her and love her unconditionally with every part of me – every part of my being and with every bone in my body.
It wasn’t logic that made me act this way, it was love. And, even with the unlikeliest and unseeming of soon to be parents, as soon as their child comes into their lives, all of their doubts melt away, and even though it leaves nothing but annoying impracticalites, we have to find a way to deal with it – not for us, not for our want of a better life, but for our children – the people we put before ourselves, the little people who we sacrifice and give up on all our dreams and ambitions we always had – so that our children can have one.
I always thought this was natural to parents – it was natural to me with my parents, and their recent troubles had been one of the first bumps to reality I had seen in lieu of my parents’ seemingly perfect partnership and marriage together. But, as I turned my back slightly away from Autumn, and back towards Natasha, the woman I loved more than life itself, It began to dawn on me that I could have no idea in the world exactly how she was feeling, unless she opened up and talked to me.
It had been 24 hours since Natasha had told me that she had felt no connection and no motherly bond to our beloved daughter. My first reaction wasn’t one of hurt or anger, or even sympathy. I simply wanted, and needed to hold her in my arms for however long it would take for her to bloom again and become the person that I married, the person I loved and would always continue to do so.
Autumn slept right through the night, and continued to do so, even now, having been contentedly full from her feed the day before, but even then, as much as it pained and terrified her to feel this way, she couldn’t will her mind to force something that seemed unnatural to her.
I had held her in my arms from the moment that Autumn had closed her eyes up until a few moments ago, when although still asleep, started to stir and move gently, her eyes remaining tightly shut, as her little chest moved up and down rhythmically. As Autumn lay asleep next to us, unaware of what was happening, Natasha had remained in my arms, but she had been stiff and unmoving, only allowing herself to be wrapped up in my arms because she couldn’t think of anything else to do, she didn’t have any access to do anything else, and she didn’t want to be left alone without my comfort or support with nothing but her thoughts and nightmares to distract and haunt her.
Dawn had arrived, and twilight came and went, and Natasha lay still and silent in my arms. Throughout the night her body had betrayed her thoughts and started to unconsciously unwind, weak to my touch, and wanting some small consolation of body comfort and heat. I stayed awake with her until she finally gave in and fell asleep, during which her body began to shiver and shake, courtesy of the effects that her bad dreams were having on both her physical and mental state of mind, no doubt leaving her emotionally distant and adrift.
“I don’t know what to say…. What to think, how to feel… my mind just can’t do it anymore…I’ve been through all of this a million times in my head and I….” Tasha said, before I brushed my fingers gently over her lips.
“I know… I know we can work this out… you trust me, right? Just like I trust you?”
Tasha closed her eyes and smiled, some of her warm radiant glow creeping slowly back into her cheeks, highlighting her natural beauty.
“You know I do.” She responded, looking at me, and holding my face in her hands, pulling me in closer and closer until her lips found mine and pressed down strongly, eager, not wanting to stop, as if some connection was going to break, becoming lost and broken forever.
We both looked over towards Autumn as a low, muffled noise came from her cot, a low whimper, and before we knew what was happening, I was over to her cot, bending over her and checking she was OK, that she was still alive, still breathing, still beautiful and healthy, and my gorgeous little girl.
Tasha remained behind reluctantly on the bed as I attended to Autumn, who was being slightly muffled by her tiny blanket, which she had now managed to entangle herself in, the light baby pink sheet finding its way up around her ears. I lifted her effortlessly and easily out of her cot as if she was as light as a feather, and to me, she was, as I brought her around carefully and walked back across the room towards the bed, where I sat down at the end of the bed, Autumn snugly in my arms, and looked across at Tash, watching, waiting, and hoping to see what her reaction to all of this would be. What would her head tell her? What would her heart commit her to do? And despite her best intentions, or seemingly cruel intentions, who would she listen to?
Tasha remained on the bed, a nervous wreck in front of me, my nervous beautiful wreck, her hands wringing in a horrible circle of tension, guilt and upset from the fact that she hadn’t been able to hold her daughter for more than a few hours, and this had been at the times when Autumn had been hungry, and crying out for her, and when she had no other option left. At first, for the first few days, Tasha wouldn’t let Autumn anywhere near her, she didn’t want to see her anymore than she had to, and allowed the nurse to freely take over and have her free reign, which she clearly indulged in with a baby as beautiful as ours, to the point where the nurse would feed her, bathe her, play with her, laugh with her – whenever she was not with me, which meant the nurse really had her for only 3 hours of the day, but Tasha would wake up in the morning and not see her daughter again until she stood over her at night, and talked to her while she slept, believing that this was the safest way that all of this could work, and therefore have a chance at succeeding.
“We’re OK, everything’s going to be great. I promise. I love you so much, Natasha Baila, I don’t want you to forget that – whatever happens, just know that, OK?”
Tasha looked at me and smiled, the first real genuine smile I had seen since Ava had been born. At that moment, Autumn started to struggle in my arms, her small little body began to pull at the points where my arms wrapped around her, acting like a shield. Her whimpers turned to moans, before moans turned to cries, and her constant crying began to turn to screams. Suddenly, Autumn gave one last push, and with a result, she had managed to poke one tiny fist out of my hold, and into the air. She worked on getting her other hand free before I gave up, exasperated by not being able to understand what she wanted, but at the same time it was impossible to take my eyes from her – this beautiful little person who was a part of me, who had the world at her feet, and it took my breath away each and every time I thought about what transition our daughter would go through next. Meanwhile, Autumn refused to give up and still struggled against my loose grip, almost to the point where if she pushed hard enough she would fall out of my arms. She reached up and held out her hands achingly, needingly towards Tasha and moaned and whimpered. Tasha looked confused as she looked at her daughter directly in the eye, and then immediately averted her eyes towards me, looking for a back up plan or an exit strategy.
Autumn wasn't aware of what was going on between us, the only thing she seemed to focus on was the fact that suddenly she was not the focal point for neither of us anymore for the past minute, and started to cry and moan until our attentions were steered back around to her.
I shook my head slowly as Autumn pushed against me, holding out for a fall or for something to happen before I would lose my focus.
Tasha looked at me beseechingly again as I looked at her and smiled, albeit a little too smugly. “Sorry Tash, but it’s not going to work. Much as she loves me, she’s officially had enough. She doesn’t want the nurse either, and she’s not hungry, and she’s been changed and looked after thoroughly, so don’t try and get out if it that way either. She wants someone new, someone different – the one person she hasn’t really seen properly for days and wants to spend all her time with so she can smile that perfect smile of hers….” I say, touching her nose lightly as she giggled infectiously as she played with the tips of my fingers, her memory briefly focused on something else before she followed the sound of my voice, and looked in my direction, and looked at Tash and smiled. “She wants her mummy – she just wants you.” I said, looking at Tasha while she closed her eyes in frustration, before she slowly opened them again and finally allowed herself to look at her daughter. I picked Autumn up out of my lap as she held her hands out towards Tash, who cradled her in her arms as she sat curled up in a ball with Tash’s hands placed around her. She started playing with curls and loose tendrils of Tasha’s long hair, as well as burying her head in between Tasha's long loose curls, sometimes pressing her palm and her tiny fingers up to Tash’s cheeks and leaving them there for a few minutes, becoming fascinated by the fact that when she let go, her fingers were shiny and wet, being continually covered with Tasha’s tears.
Although Autumn was just a few weeks old, she was acutely aware of everything that was happening, aware of the people that would sit for hours on end and stare at her, completely wrapped up and enamoured with her, always smiling and obedient, but well trained in perfecting exactly how to make her feelings well and truly clear.
All of a sudden I can hear something from outside – a quiet knock on the door and the sound of muffled voices as Tasha and I both look at each other and smile – giving each other the strength we need to face all of this. I look into Tasha’s eyes, trying desperately to reassure her that she can get through this, and she does the same, letting me know through her radiant, warm expression that everything will be OK. I nodded slowly – things were still a little bit raw between my father and me – but this was a new chapter, a new leaf, a new page, and in order to be a good father and take care of my own family, I had to learn to leave things in the past where they deserve to be – forgotten and alone, and without a care in the world being thrown their way.
“Come in!” I say towards the door, as it opens, and into the bright room walks in Tasha’s parents, Jennifer and Luis, as well as my own parents. Stacie walks in last, head held high and determined to remain strong and upbeat. Stacie gives me a playful smile and punches me on the shoulder, a warm, loving smile that for now, translates all that it needs to, and more. Right here, in this room, and in these moments, sometimes words aren’t needed, or just seem too basic and inadequate to express and show exactly the kind of intricate emotions that everybody goes through. Today, I know she doesn’t want to make it about her, about me, or about anybody else apart from the one person that matter – Autumn.
I’m still sitting on the end of Tasha’s bed, with Tasha propped up in bed, her arms still held awkwardly around Tash, waiting for the moment when someone takes Ava out of her arms and she can breathe again, dispelling her tension. Everybody is still crowded abruptly around the bed until I turn towards Dad, and get up slowly from the bed.
“You should sit down – all of you.” My Mum is carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, alongwith a truckload of cuddly teddy bears and toys that Autumn’s eyes are immediately attracted to. I know she must have cleaned out the local toystore with the amount of excess toys she has managed to bring, this time glad of the fact that she gets to indulge in one of the things she loves the most, and on top of it, is glad she has a good excuse to call upon whenever dad thinks enough is enough and tries to reign her in, although I know she has everybody’s best intentions at heart.
“She’s beautiful, and perfectly capable of taking absolutely anybody’s breath away!” My dad says, perching quietly next to my mother on the large chair at the side of the bed.
I nodded and smiled. “Thanks – for being here. It really means a lot.” I said, looking at him intently and smiling, as he returned my smile, giving me a wink afterwards.
“Of course, despite everything, I wouldn't have missed any of this for the world – I'm so incredibly proud of you – more than you know. I know I've been a terrible father, you deserve someone better than me, who....”
I held up my hand in frustration to silence him. “Dad, please. Let's not do this – not now. The truth is, I need you in my life, now perhaps more than ever, and I don't want to lose you. And for the record, you were an excellent dad – for the most part!” I said, and couldn't help myself as I started to laugh out loud at my dad's seemingly wounded expression.
“So, what do you think? Want to hold your grand-daughhter or what?” I ask, smiling at him. I take Autumn away from Tasha, and then carefully transfer her over to my dad. She is all too aware of the fact that this is someone new – someone unfamiliar. Autumn looks up at her grand-dad, her brown eyes open and wide, turning her face up towards his, and then her eyes finally settle on his shirt and chest in her never ending quest for a source of food. After a couple of moments pass, and she yawns, her eyelashes fluttering wildly like butterfly wings before she settles down and eventually falls asleep in my arms again.
“She's amazing – she's just like you – both of you. I see that in her already. Autumn's already incredibly lucky to have two people who will prove to be incredibly amazing parents, providing her with all the tools and equipment she needs to get through and succeed in her life.” My dad finished, looking at the both of us and delivering a large smile. I couldn't help but hazard a look at Tash, and as she caught my eyes, she quickly focused her attentions back towards Stacie, who was talking to Tash in low whispers that were barely audible above the general hum of chatter in the room.
A few hours later, everybody started to say their goodbyes, reluctantly leaving Autumn behind and back with us. Stacie was the first to leave, but now was not the time to start questioning her about it, and once again, myself, Tasha, and Autumn found ourselves alone. She is lying contentedly in my arms now, sucking her thumb, but I can see her eyelids are heavy, and despite her best intentions, I know she's about to fall asleep at any minute, and then she does.
*
Posts
