*
Eight hours later, and as the sun goes down, the lights come out, lighting up all across the New York skyline. There are other parties, other nights to spend with your boyfriend, but this night was different - this night was bound to be big.
As our car raced across the streets of New York, I felt as though someone had placed me in a sweet dream, and I was still waiting for somebody to pinch me, to wake me up from all of this, and bring me back to the normal semblance of life I had always known. I had become overwhelmed because everything had happened so quickly, and out of the blue. I just hadn't seen any of it coming until it had been too late, my feelings unable to let me forge an exit strategy.
I had always been constantly reminded just how fickle the music and dance industry was, and so despite my romantic relationship with Daniel continuing to grow and blossom, I still had misgivings about attending endless parties for weeks on end where nothing was ever as it seemed. A part of me didn't want to get drawn into weaving a tangled web where I'd sacrifice losing who I was, and having worked especially hard over the last year to regain my spirit back, the last thing I wanted to do was to trust everything without thinking things through.
Sometimes I wished that life didn't have to be this complicated. As my doubts started to haunt me, I forced my mind to focus on something else. I looked over at Daniel - his hand in mine, his loving eyes looking into my face, his crooked smile - his eyes, intense and alluring like deep whirlpools.
I was living the dream. The Dream had become a reality. It was time to stop holding back and just relax and let go, I had to, the last thing I wanted to be was pre-occupied on my birthday. And despite everything that had happened, Daniel had done nothing to convince me so far that things were anything but perfect. Life was looking good, and tonight, on my birthday, I was determined to sit back and enjoy the ride. All my distracting thoughts would just have to wait until another day.
As our car raced across the streets of New York, I felt as though someone had placed me in a sweet dream, and I was still waiting for somebody to pinch me, to wake me up from all of this, and bring me back to the normal semblance of life I had always known. I had become overwhelmed because everything had happened so quickly, and out of the blue. I just hadn't seen any of it coming until it had been too late, my feelings unable to let me forge an exit strategy.
I had always been constantly reminded just how fickle the music and dance industry was, and so despite my romantic relationship with Daniel continuing to grow and blossom, I still had misgivings about attending endless parties for weeks on end where nothing was ever as it seemed. A part of me didn't want to get drawn into weaving a tangled web where I'd sacrifice losing who I was, and having worked especially hard over the last year to regain my spirit back, the last thing I wanted to do was to trust everything without thinking things through.
Sometimes I wished that life didn't have to be this complicated. As my doubts started to haunt me, I forced my mind to focus on something else. I looked over at Daniel - his hand in mine, his loving eyes looking into my face, his crooked smile - his eyes, intense and alluring like deep whirlpools.
I was living the dream. The Dream had become a reality. It was time to stop holding back and just relax and let go, I had to, the last thing I wanted to be was pre-occupied on my birthday. And despite everything that had happened, Daniel had done nothing to convince me so far that things were anything but perfect. Life was looking good, and tonight, on my birthday, I was determined to sit back and enjoy the ride. All my distracting thoughts would just have to wait until another day.
*
4 hours, 6 champagne flutes, and what felt like 100 conversations later, I was still at Daniel's side and enjoying the party. I was paraded as the centre of attention, with Daniel happily taking back seat so I could seemingly soak up the spotlight, something which I didn't have the heart to tell him that it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Whereas most people would have loved this kind of attention and courted it more unashamedly, I appreciated it, but I had trouble coming to grips with it. I was confident, secure, and dressed to perfection, but what lacked at the party was real personalities. Everybody I had met was literally a replica of the last person - and I found myself becoming bored and restless too easy, despite Daniel being a shining beacon of perfection and attending to my every need no matter how big or small, constantly whisking me away from our gathering of people to whisper sweet nothings into my ear and hold me close.
“Don’t let go of my hand.” Daniel said, as he looked at me, before he grabbed my hand as we walked towards the door, leading off the balcony.
I took hold of his and smiled at him, as he led the way and I followed closely behind him. It had been an endless parade of introductions, meeting people, and gathering contacts within the music industry for most. For Daniel, attending this party was simply a way to thank all the many music insiders and contacts in the business for helping him to get to the top.
“Don’t let go of my hand.” Daniel said, as he looked at me, before he grabbed my hand as we walked towards the door, leading off the balcony.
I took hold of his and smiled at him, as he led the way and I followed closely behind him. It had been an endless parade of introductions, meeting people, and gathering contacts within the music industry for most. For Daniel, attending this party was simply a way to thank all the many music insiders and contacts in the business for helping him to get to the top.
*
My birthdays have always been memorable. Every year, something significant would always happen, and my birthday would feel complete. Usually it wasn't a big thing, or even that much of a big deal, but it felt poignant. Over the years, these small things varied from getting a new pair of ballet shoes, a new bag, a new purse, reunited with friends, reunited with long lost family. This year, I had no doubt in my mind that once again, my birthday would be something to remember. I was so happy, and was looking forward to having endless memories to reminisce over, countless photos to remind me of the day and the night, as well as sharing the whole experience with other people, everyone around me who mattered. I was right, this year as always, my birthday would be significant – but it was about to be memorable for all the wrong reasons.
I stood in the middle of the room with a drink in my hand, the stale liquid in the glass which had now surely gone flat and looked around as the strobe lights from the ceiling above continued to blind me, somewhat blurring my line of vision. For the first time, I found myself alone, and looked across the room to find painted faces of make up and perfection all around me, ones of laughter, excitement, desire, lust, as well as romantic faces of enrapture and love. My eyes scanned quickly around the room to try and find Daniel, but I couldn't see him. I had been the one to loosen my hand away from his, to stand further and further away from him in a subtle attempt to make a quick exit. I had needed to be alone – by myself for five minutes. The atmosphere was heady and things were starting to blur. Daniel had turned to me, wanting to know what was going on, as I whispered in his ear I needed to be by myself for a little while. He nodded swiftly, and let go of my hand quickly without looking back at me as I left the large group of people wrapped all around us, to go and try and find a moment of clarity for myself outside, although in this particular party atmosphere, it seemed an impossible feat.
I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, before exhaling quickly, and open my eyes, not knowing how long I have stood in what feels like the centre of the room, alone, my eyes closed with a flat drink in my hand. I clear my throat quickly, running a hand through my hair, and make my way carefully towards what I can only make out to be the nearest exit. I walk quicker, getting closer and closer towards the outside air, a nearby door open next to a large white pillar, with a small group of people randomly dispersed between the two pillars.
I keep my head down, keen on avoiding all the people who have successfully managed to follow Daniel around all night, and with Daniel keeping a firm hold of my hand and seeming almost in awe that he has me here with him, their interest cannot help but pique at my character.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, just as I'm five or ten metres past the pillar and about to step over the threshold into the cool, clean air, a voice arises over the general chatter of the party and stops me in my tracks. I look up to see a tall man, leaning on the side of the pillar, his body facing me, but his head is cocked to the side as he blows out a perfect smoke ring into the night air, finishing off the last of his cigarette, before he turns and looks at me full on, and greets me with a smile, one so cheeky and infectious I can't help but smile back in confusion as I shake my head at him.
“Skipping out so soon?” He said, calling out to me, looking at me intently. He smiled at me again, and I walked over to him, slowly, intrigued to know why he was interested in me all of a sudden.
“You look familiar.” I responded, as I walked up and stood in front of him, looking at him, able to see him clearly now. He had dark brown eyes, almost black in colour, with short rugged hair, that was as messy and dishevelled as humanely possible. As the light shone down on his face, I could see his pattern of stubble clearly on his face, and he was wearing ripped dark denim jeans, a lumberjack red and white checked shirt, and what could only be loafers on his feet as I surveyed him thoroughly before allowing my eyes to rest for a minute on his face again.
“I've seen you before. Earlier.” I said, looking at his face, closer to him now.
“You've seen me before.” He said, repeating my words back to me. “Earlier, just like you said.”
He looked at me and smiled before taking another drag of his cigarette and breathing out another cloud of smoke as he lowered his hand, his fingers loosely placed around the ebbing butt slowly dying out in his hand.
“You going to give me a little bit of that?” I said, looking directly at the dying cigarette butt in his hand. He looked down at it, before looking at me once again, raising one eyebrow in mock surprise, before he shrugged and handed it carefully to me. I took a couple of steps backwards away from him and leaned against the cool white marble of the opposite pillar, and as I took a drag of the cigarette, I leaned back, breathing in and sighing deeply.
I looked at him, and handed it back to him. He looked up and reached for it, and threw it on the ground, crushing it with the tip of his loafer.
“Daniel's obviously forgotten his manners. We talked for a few seconds earlier – I'm Jude Reynolds, art gallery owner and sometimes, Daniel's much overlooked best friend.”
I couldn't help but laugh as I examined the guy who stood in front of me. Obviously he was not as devastatingly handsome as Daniel – not to brag, but every woman standing in this room would agree Daniel was the perfect package – his best friend seemed to be the hardened, rugged version. I looked at him again, and realised that as much as me and Winona were the polar opposites of each other, as best friends, Daniel and Jude seemed to share the same trait.
It was clear to see that Jude worked on his bravado and swagger when it came to how he talked to women – or so I was assuming. Nevertheless, at this moment in time, it seemed somewhat of a welcome change and relief from the ever adoring people that surrounded Daniel all the time.
“Did you think I would be intimidated by the fact that you mentioned you owned an art gallery?”
Jude looked up at me and gave me a small smile. “Are you?”
I smiled, and couldn't help but laugh and shake my head at the man's nerve. “No – not at all.”
'Right. See, that's the thing. That's usually my pick up line.”
“Shame. You look like you could have done with a connection to something, besides your ego, that is.”
Jude looked up at me and laughed. Although we were engaging in small talk, I noticed more and more that he had a pained, tortured look about him, and every time he looked away from my face, a flicker of something else would appear over his face, just for a second, before disappearing just as quickly – he was obviously brooding and pre-occupied about something – there was a mystery to him that I had never encountered before.
“What about you?” I asked. I ran my eyes over his choice of clothing again. “From the look of things, you look like you really want to be here.Did Daniel forget to tell you it was black tie? Or did you just forget to read your invitation?”
“I couldn't really care less. Daniel knows how I am, and he knows who to talk to to make sure nobody bothers me about how I dress. I don't care about any of this really. I'm just here because apparently, according to my best friend himself, this party is a good chance for me to network, get some more promotion for the gallery, meet people. But, the trouble is, we all know what networking really means. Everybody here is so full of shit – most of the time. Daniel promised me a free bar too, and apparently, the chance to meet you.”
He looked at me again before directing my gaze towards his now empty hands. “Now, while his first promise has managed to fall well and truly short, Its nice to meet you. Different to how I thought it would be.'
I raise my eyebrows in mock alarm. “Different? How different? Did you think I'd be some sort of square?”
He smiled. “Almost – but I'm starting to reassess things. You're not Daniel's usual type – at all.”
I smiled as I looked at him. He breathed out, and shifted his feet slightly, standing on each one alternately for a few minutes before placing them both firmly on the ground.
“So, why are you out here? You should be in there, being paraded around as Daniel's girlfriend.”
I laughed, not knowing what to think. I breathed out again slowly. “Why is it all such a big deal? To them – even to Daniel?” I said, looking at him. I hadn't had the heart to be so candid to Daniel – not yet, not after what had happened, ever since I had been unable to say those three little words, those three simple words he had wanted to hear, I had kept any feelings of unease or tension all to myself – strictly under lock and key. He had assured me that despite everything, things were fine – we were fine, and for now, for this night, for these couple of hours, that had been all I had wanted to hear, and I had let myself believe in it completely, without thinking and wanting to move forward.
'I don't know... I guess... in a weird way... in this industry, its their way of showing you that you belong, that they seem to care about you.”
“What, and that's not true? Its all bullshit?” I said, my cynical side getting the better of me.
“No, no, not at all. If anything its the exact truth. Much as I hate to admit it – people here really do look after their own. I can't tell you how many times Daniel's watched my back during the years.” He said, looking up at me again.
“How long have you and Daniel been friends?” I said, as he was now staring intently outside towards the horizon, looking at the sun about to set and disappear behind the clouds.
He looked at me, his eyes big, wide, and vulnerable, as his eyes swept over my interested expression, looking at me as if he had just snapped out of a trance.
Jude looked at me and whistled, a long low whistle. “Man - a long time. He's like my brother. He'd do anything for me – and I know I'd do the same for him.”
I nodded and looked down. At that moment, I felt a twinge of guilt for spending all my time with Daniel, and wished Winona could have been at my side – this party would have been a lot more interesting had my best friend been here, and the volume twice as loud.
“So... what about you? It feels as though you've asked me a hell of a lot of questions, and yet I don't know that much about you.”
“What? Haven't you heard everything about me from Daniel?” I said, giving him a probing look as I raise my left eyebrow playfully at him, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.
Jude laughed, a low deep laugh. “Yeah... sorry to say that I have. He won't shut up about you. 24 hours a day, in my ear, completely non stop. Beautiful, brainy, and a dancer of incandescent talent.” Jude hesitated slightly, pausing for a few seconds. “His words – not mine.” He gave me a short smile before he paused again, looking up into my face, trying to read my reaction. As my eyes met his, his eyes diverted back to looking out towards the horizon, the conversation coming to a halt.
Looking at Jude, I didn't know how to make sense of him – or what I wanted to think about him. I knew that he probably tired of being compared to his best friend – the one who seemingly had his head on his shoulders, the best friend that was more driven, more charismatic, more headstrong than you seemed like a hard thing to shoulder. But it was something else that seemed to consume Jude. Something more than that. The more we talked, the more he started to reminisce about his younger days, when he was more of a drifter, getting by on wit and charm, no matter how big or how small the obstascles would become. Jude seemed to be the provocateur of the two best friends, as tonight's conversation certainly proved to me. Suddenly I looked around, not sure of how long I had been out here, talking to Jude, and not getting away to be by myself, as my original plan had always been. I had no idea if Daniel had made an effort to look for me, and for the first time that night, I suddenly found myself not in the mood to go back to him, to appear at his side and get caught up in the same tangled web of fake niceties and false small talk – looking around, I now knew why I had gotten so restless – this party lacked any genuine feel to it – and being in this atmosphere felt suffocating, and on my own, even with Daniel at my side, I wasn't sure if I felt like I belonged.
“Its my birthday today.” I said, looking over at Jude. During the time that our conversation had subsided, he had reached into his pocket for another cigarette, and offering me one, I took one, with Jude taking the liberty of carefully lighting it up for me. I inhaled deeply, and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke, as opposed to the small and perfectly small row of smoke rings that Jude was sending up and out into the night sky.
The stars were starting to twinkle now, looking up at them, almost as if they were winking at me.
“Happy Birthday.” Jude said to me as he looked at me before he breathed out another perfect ring.
“Is this what you wished for?” He said, a playful grin playing upon his face.
“Daniel – yes. But seeing as he's not here... and as for this party, it wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind.”
“Right. You should go and find him – spend the last few hours of your birthday together, and enjoy yourself, before its too late.”
I shrugged, and looked down at my satin heels, my dress. I didn't know what to do – for the most part of the night, I had felt like one of those trophy, stepford wives, being paraded and introduced from group to group – always the same mindless chatter. I was happy to talk passionately and fervently about my love for dance music, but I could tell that they really couldn't have cared less.
“I don't know if I'm ready to go back in there – it feels so claustrophobic... so fake.... I shouldn't have to compromise what I want on my birthday.” I said, looking at him.
“No, you shouldn't...” Jude said resignedly. So, do you wanna go to a real party?”
I looked down and laughed. “I don't know... I should probably go back inside and find Daniel. I want to see him anyway.”
“Well, if you change your mind... I'll be here...” Jude trailed off, and looked at me, giving me a playful wink. I smiled and turned my back on him, and started to walk away. I looked back quickly and met his eyes with my own.
“Thank You.” I mouthed to him silently as I moved away, walking back quickly through the crowds and back towards the central throng of the party.
As I turned and threw him one last look, Jude looked at me and smiled, his own smile incredibly infectious, and waved me away playfully with one hand as he laughed and shook his head as I edged further and further away from him, back towards Daniel.
I stood in the middle of the room with a drink in my hand, the stale liquid in the glass which had now surely gone flat and looked around as the strobe lights from the ceiling above continued to blind me, somewhat blurring my line of vision. For the first time, I found myself alone, and looked across the room to find painted faces of make up and perfection all around me, ones of laughter, excitement, desire, lust, as well as romantic faces of enrapture and love. My eyes scanned quickly around the room to try and find Daniel, but I couldn't see him. I had been the one to loosen my hand away from his, to stand further and further away from him in a subtle attempt to make a quick exit. I had needed to be alone – by myself for five minutes. The atmosphere was heady and things were starting to blur. Daniel had turned to me, wanting to know what was going on, as I whispered in his ear I needed to be by myself for a little while. He nodded swiftly, and let go of my hand quickly without looking back at me as I left the large group of people wrapped all around us, to go and try and find a moment of clarity for myself outside, although in this particular party atmosphere, it seemed an impossible feat.
I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, before exhaling quickly, and open my eyes, not knowing how long I have stood in what feels like the centre of the room, alone, my eyes closed with a flat drink in my hand. I clear my throat quickly, running a hand through my hair, and make my way carefully towards what I can only make out to be the nearest exit. I walk quicker, getting closer and closer towards the outside air, a nearby door open next to a large white pillar, with a small group of people randomly dispersed between the two pillars.
I keep my head down, keen on avoiding all the people who have successfully managed to follow Daniel around all night, and with Daniel keeping a firm hold of my hand and seeming almost in awe that he has me here with him, their interest cannot help but pique at my character.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, just as I'm five or ten metres past the pillar and about to step over the threshold into the cool, clean air, a voice arises over the general chatter of the party and stops me in my tracks. I look up to see a tall man, leaning on the side of the pillar, his body facing me, but his head is cocked to the side as he blows out a perfect smoke ring into the night air, finishing off the last of his cigarette, before he turns and looks at me full on, and greets me with a smile, one so cheeky and infectious I can't help but smile back in confusion as I shake my head at him.
“Skipping out so soon?” He said, calling out to me, looking at me intently. He smiled at me again, and I walked over to him, slowly, intrigued to know why he was interested in me all of a sudden.
“You look familiar.” I responded, as I walked up and stood in front of him, looking at him, able to see him clearly now. He had dark brown eyes, almost black in colour, with short rugged hair, that was as messy and dishevelled as humanely possible. As the light shone down on his face, I could see his pattern of stubble clearly on his face, and he was wearing ripped dark denim jeans, a lumberjack red and white checked shirt, and what could only be loafers on his feet as I surveyed him thoroughly before allowing my eyes to rest for a minute on his face again.
“I've seen you before. Earlier.” I said, looking at his face, closer to him now.
“You've seen me before.” He said, repeating my words back to me. “Earlier, just like you said.”
He looked at me and smiled before taking another drag of his cigarette and breathing out another cloud of smoke as he lowered his hand, his fingers loosely placed around the ebbing butt slowly dying out in his hand.
“You going to give me a little bit of that?” I said, looking directly at the dying cigarette butt in his hand. He looked down at it, before looking at me once again, raising one eyebrow in mock surprise, before he shrugged and handed it carefully to me. I took a couple of steps backwards away from him and leaned against the cool white marble of the opposite pillar, and as I took a drag of the cigarette, I leaned back, breathing in and sighing deeply.
I looked at him, and handed it back to him. He looked up and reached for it, and threw it on the ground, crushing it with the tip of his loafer.
“Daniel's obviously forgotten his manners. We talked for a few seconds earlier – I'm Jude Reynolds, art gallery owner and sometimes, Daniel's much overlooked best friend.”
I couldn't help but laugh as I examined the guy who stood in front of me. Obviously he was not as devastatingly handsome as Daniel – not to brag, but every woman standing in this room would agree Daniel was the perfect package – his best friend seemed to be the hardened, rugged version. I looked at him again, and realised that as much as me and Winona were the polar opposites of each other, as best friends, Daniel and Jude seemed to share the same trait.
It was clear to see that Jude worked on his bravado and swagger when it came to how he talked to women – or so I was assuming. Nevertheless, at this moment in time, it seemed somewhat of a welcome change and relief from the ever adoring people that surrounded Daniel all the time.
“Did you think I would be intimidated by the fact that you mentioned you owned an art gallery?”
Jude looked up at me and gave me a small smile. “Are you?”
I smiled, and couldn't help but laugh and shake my head at the man's nerve. “No – not at all.”
'Right. See, that's the thing. That's usually my pick up line.”
“Shame. You look like you could have done with a connection to something, besides your ego, that is.”
Jude looked up at me and laughed. Although we were engaging in small talk, I noticed more and more that he had a pained, tortured look about him, and every time he looked away from my face, a flicker of something else would appear over his face, just for a second, before disappearing just as quickly – he was obviously brooding and pre-occupied about something – there was a mystery to him that I had never encountered before.
“What about you?” I asked. I ran my eyes over his choice of clothing again. “From the look of things, you look like you really want to be here.Did Daniel forget to tell you it was black tie? Or did you just forget to read your invitation?”
“I couldn't really care less. Daniel knows how I am, and he knows who to talk to to make sure nobody bothers me about how I dress. I don't care about any of this really. I'm just here because apparently, according to my best friend himself, this party is a good chance for me to network, get some more promotion for the gallery, meet people. But, the trouble is, we all know what networking really means. Everybody here is so full of shit – most of the time. Daniel promised me a free bar too, and apparently, the chance to meet you.”
He looked at me again before directing my gaze towards his now empty hands. “Now, while his first promise has managed to fall well and truly short, Its nice to meet you. Different to how I thought it would be.'
I raise my eyebrows in mock alarm. “Different? How different? Did you think I'd be some sort of square?”
He smiled. “Almost – but I'm starting to reassess things. You're not Daniel's usual type – at all.”
I smiled as I looked at him. He breathed out, and shifted his feet slightly, standing on each one alternately for a few minutes before placing them both firmly on the ground.
“So, why are you out here? You should be in there, being paraded around as Daniel's girlfriend.”
I laughed, not knowing what to think. I breathed out again slowly. “Why is it all such a big deal? To them – even to Daniel?” I said, looking at him. I hadn't had the heart to be so candid to Daniel – not yet, not after what had happened, ever since I had been unable to say those three little words, those three simple words he had wanted to hear, I had kept any feelings of unease or tension all to myself – strictly under lock and key. He had assured me that despite everything, things were fine – we were fine, and for now, for this night, for these couple of hours, that had been all I had wanted to hear, and I had let myself believe in it completely, without thinking and wanting to move forward.
'I don't know... I guess... in a weird way... in this industry, its their way of showing you that you belong, that they seem to care about you.”
“What, and that's not true? Its all bullshit?” I said, my cynical side getting the better of me.
“No, no, not at all. If anything its the exact truth. Much as I hate to admit it – people here really do look after their own. I can't tell you how many times Daniel's watched my back during the years.” He said, looking up at me again.
“How long have you and Daniel been friends?” I said, as he was now staring intently outside towards the horizon, looking at the sun about to set and disappear behind the clouds.
He looked at me, his eyes big, wide, and vulnerable, as his eyes swept over my interested expression, looking at me as if he had just snapped out of a trance.
Jude looked at me and whistled, a long low whistle. “Man - a long time. He's like my brother. He'd do anything for me – and I know I'd do the same for him.”
I nodded and looked down. At that moment, I felt a twinge of guilt for spending all my time with Daniel, and wished Winona could have been at my side – this party would have been a lot more interesting had my best friend been here, and the volume twice as loud.
“So... what about you? It feels as though you've asked me a hell of a lot of questions, and yet I don't know that much about you.”
“What? Haven't you heard everything about me from Daniel?” I said, giving him a probing look as I raise my left eyebrow playfully at him, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.
Jude laughed, a low deep laugh. “Yeah... sorry to say that I have. He won't shut up about you. 24 hours a day, in my ear, completely non stop. Beautiful, brainy, and a dancer of incandescent talent.” Jude hesitated slightly, pausing for a few seconds. “His words – not mine.” He gave me a short smile before he paused again, looking up into my face, trying to read my reaction. As my eyes met his, his eyes diverted back to looking out towards the horizon, the conversation coming to a halt.
Looking at Jude, I didn't know how to make sense of him – or what I wanted to think about him. I knew that he probably tired of being compared to his best friend – the one who seemingly had his head on his shoulders, the best friend that was more driven, more charismatic, more headstrong than you seemed like a hard thing to shoulder. But it was something else that seemed to consume Jude. Something more than that. The more we talked, the more he started to reminisce about his younger days, when he was more of a drifter, getting by on wit and charm, no matter how big or how small the obstascles would become. Jude seemed to be the provocateur of the two best friends, as tonight's conversation certainly proved to me. Suddenly I looked around, not sure of how long I had been out here, talking to Jude, and not getting away to be by myself, as my original plan had always been. I had no idea if Daniel had made an effort to look for me, and for the first time that night, I suddenly found myself not in the mood to go back to him, to appear at his side and get caught up in the same tangled web of fake niceties and false small talk – looking around, I now knew why I had gotten so restless – this party lacked any genuine feel to it – and being in this atmosphere felt suffocating, and on my own, even with Daniel at my side, I wasn't sure if I felt like I belonged.
“Its my birthday today.” I said, looking over at Jude. During the time that our conversation had subsided, he had reached into his pocket for another cigarette, and offering me one, I took one, with Jude taking the liberty of carefully lighting it up for me. I inhaled deeply, and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke, as opposed to the small and perfectly small row of smoke rings that Jude was sending up and out into the night sky.
The stars were starting to twinkle now, looking up at them, almost as if they were winking at me.
“Happy Birthday.” Jude said to me as he looked at me before he breathed out another perfect ring.
“Is this what you wished for?” He said, a playful grin playing upon his face.
“Daniel – yes. But seeing as he's not here... and as for this party, it wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind.”
“Right. You should go and find him – spend the last few hours of your birthday together, and enjoy yourself, before its too late.”
I shrugged, and looked down at my satin heels, my dress. I didn't know what to do – for the most part of the night, I had felt like one of those trophy, stepford wives, being paraded and introduced from group to group – always the same mindless chatter. I was happy to talk passionately and fervently about my love for dance music, but I could tell that they really couldn't have cared less.
“I don't know if I'm ready to go back in there – it feels so claustrophobic... so fake.... I shouldn't have to compromise what I want on my birthday.” I said, looking at him.
“No, you shouldn't...” Jude said resignedly. So, do you wanna go to a real party?”
I looked down and laughed. “I don't know... I should probably go back inside and find Daniel. I want to see him anyway.”
“Well, if you change your mind... I'll be here...” Jude trailed off, and looked at me, giving me a playful wink. I smiled and turned my back on him, and started to walk away. I looked back quickly and met his eyes with my own.
“Thank You.” I mouthed to him silently as I moved away, walking back quickly through the crowds and back towards the central throng of the party.
As I turned and threw him one last look, Jude looked at me and smiled, his own smile incredibly infectious, and waved me away playfully with one hand as he laughed and shook his head as I edged further and further away from him, back towards Daniel.
*
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