3. [the one]

*
Stacie Anderson, [Mercer Dance Studio, Soho, New York City, NY]

They say a look is worth 1,000 words. I believe this to be true. I didn't know what to expect, or how to feel as I prepared myself for my professional life without Ben – the one person who had guided me from the very beginning of the production – through various steps, endless rehearsals, different sequences and rhythms, pushing me a little bit more each and every more.
First impressions lasted a lifetime particularly within the dance industry, and although every bone in my body was trying to force some excitable urge out of me from this, I found myself walking slowly towards the studio doors as I arrived, walking incredibly slow and looking around for any new faces that I didn't recognise. The large mahogany door was slightly ajar as I walked into the dance studio, quietly but confident with a warm smile on my face, eager to learn what my new dance choreographer would be made of. I had heard nothing but good things from absolutely everyone I had talked to, and even Ben couldn't officially fault him which annoyed me, as I now had no fall back plan. It wasn't that I wanted to dislike this new replacement, it was the fact that I had worked so incredibly hard, with everything just within my reach, and I had no idea if by working alongside this person, my dreams would be exactly that and would fail to turn into the reality that I had wanted them to be for so long.
I dropped my bag over in the corner as it landed with a light thud on the polished floor, the large mirror now looming over me. I walked further into the room and looked around at the empty, vacant room, waiting for somebody to appear so we could get through the necessary introductions. I coughed lightly and cleared my throat, and pushed my hair back in frustration, my hands smoothing over my curls as they continued to tumble, doing a messy and inappropriate job of framing my face.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see somebody moving closer towards me and I turned around quickly to introduce myself properly.
I looked around and turned to face him properly. He was tall, at least a head taller than me, and he had short, black hair and a strong jawline. His eyes were golden brown, swirling whirlpools of caramel tinged with the colour of burnt amber. His skin was light brown, the colour of milk chocolate. He was lean, his body muscular , but he still managed to effervesce a boyish look about him. His features were perfect – straight, angular and symmetrical.
His dark eyes flickered towards mine for a fraction of a second as I looked at him, uncomfortably now, unsure what was going to happen next. He looked away quickly, returning his attention towards the young woman standing next to him as they both talked amongst themselves. The woman standing next to him was petite, her long blonde hair was straight and short, running to her shoulders, with a long sweeping fringe across her face. She had dark blue eyes, and her figure was curvier, slightly curvier than the average, but it was plain to see that she used this to her advantage, as she wore a black dress with a large white belt that was cinched tightly around her waist, accentuating her assets.
She looked up at me quickly and gave me a stiff smile as the man beside her was still engrossed in his mobile phone ,looking over the large file of paperwork she had in her hand before I cleared my throat, and walked towards them slowly.
The man finally looked up at me, and smiled, and from that point on didn't glance at his assistant again until she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, closing the studio door behind her, a stiff expression on her face.
He walked towards me, his face was friendly, open, and welcoming, a large smile on his lips as his eyes swept over my face, still careful and wary as to who I actually was.
“Sorry about that. You must be Stacie Anderson, right?.” He said, his voice deep and resonating.
“Yes.” I said, returning his smile quickly as I raised my hand and tucked a loose tendril of hair behind my ear.
“My name is Daniel Thomas. Its nice to meet you – finally. I've heard a lot about you from Ben.”
“Right. Ben never really said much about you.” I continued, looking at him, an awkward look on his face as he laughed, shaking his head slowly, before looking up and smiling at me again, catching me off guard.
“Well, that would make sense, I guess he wanted you to get to know me on your own terms.”
“I think I can handle that.” I continued, looking at him.
'So, tell me why you started dancing in the first place.”
“I don't know, really. I always loved ballet, and it just continued from there.”
“And now?”
“My love for dancing has never really gone away... but over the past couple of months, things have been complicated.”
“I think I can keep up.” He said, looking at me interestedly, before he smiled again as he looked down.
I don't know why I decided to tell Daniel everything that had happened to me. Everybody had waited for me to talk, on my own terms, instead of actually asking me what had happened and pressing me for details. We sat down on the raised platform behind us and I talked, while he listened. Seconds, minutes, maybe even hours passed us by as I started to describe everything that had happened to me, how my dancing had transformed from a passion into a way of catharsis, into therapy. I paused for long moments as he looked at me, before being distracted by his gaze and answering without thinking, letting all my barriers fall, and becoming completely vulnerable.
He never stopped looking at me, maintaining direct eye contact, smiling at the right moment, his eyes being sympathetic and consoling at the right time. I couldn't fathom or make sense of his interest in my entire life, but my puzzling expressions never did anything to dent his constant interest in me, and who I was.
“I recently found out that my dad has a drug problem, and its been hard and confusing for all of us. At the time, I couldn't make sense of any of it, and instead of talking about it and trying to work things out, I threw myself into my dancing. Everytime there's been a crisis – a breakup, a breakdown, I've always shut myself off to everything around me, concentrating solely on my dancing, convinced that if I was able to succeed, to really make a career out of it, then everything else would work themselves out.”
“And now?”
“Now, I've had to learn that life's not always like that. Life throws you curveballs, and sooner or later you have to deal with them, because otherwise you just become...”
“Stuck, while life moves on without you?” Daniel interjected, looking at me and smiling.
“Yeah, something like that.” I finished, looking up at him, trying to read his expression on his face as I looked into his eyes.
“Wow – I don't think I've ever sat down and talked about all of this before. Not as candidly as this – not even with my best friend.” I confessed, looking up at him and smiling.
“Well, they always say its easier to talk to strangers about your life – sometimes it becomes incredibly hard to talk honestly to the people we love.”
Daniel sighed and looked at me, his face caught in the beams of sunlight that shone through the window. “So, how long have you been doing your showcase?”
“Long enough.”
“We shall see.” Daniel said, winking at me quickly. “Ready?” He said, getting up from the platform and walking towards the mirror.
I stood up and walked confidently towards the large mirror in front of me, relieved that I would finally be able to dance instead of talk. I still couldn't believe that I had sat down for minutes on end and explained my current life story to this attractive man who I had no idea what he thought of me. My thoughts were unimaginable as I tried to concentrate and focus on my dancing. I managed to complete the sequence perfectly, as usual, and Daniel appeared to be engrossed in my every step and movement.
After an hour of constant dancing, Daniel finally lifted his arm, remote in hand and pointed towards the stereo, stopping the music.
I could feel small droplets of sweat run down my back as I stood panting in the room, my heart beat fast, my hands on my waist as I tried to regain my composure. He looked over at me and smiled, getting up and grabbing his jacket as he walked slowly towards me. He shrugged on his leather brown tan jacket and smiled, mobile phone in hand glancing at it distractedly before looking at me again, before his phone started to ring incessantly. “I'm sorry.... I have to take this, its my assistant.”
I nodded, somewhat disbelievingly. “Now?”
“Yes... its important.... but you were good. Impressive. I'll see you next week.” He said, and walked past me and out of the studio door. I stared after him as he walked out of the room, leaving me speechless.
I sighed, and turned back towards the mirror, deciding to run through my routine one more time, wanting to see if anything would be different now that Daniel was no longer in the room. I ran through the steps, and after I had finished, I sat on the chair, resting my head back against the chairback, my hair and vest top slightly damp from my sweat, as I breathed and panted, the only sound in the room was my ragged heartbeat that was now pumping loudly.
I got up and walked slowly across the room, grabbing my own jacket and bag from the raised platform and walking towards the door. As I got outside, I looked up to see that the sky was clear with not a cloud in the sky, and was eager to get to my car and drive home. I turned the radio on to hear the sounds of incessant chatter, and started the engine. I unzipped my jacket slowly and pulled out my hairband so my hair could finally have a chance to de-frizz on the way home.
I looked around at the rest of the parking lot, and saw that I was one of the last cars to leave. As I drove away from the dance studio and back towards home, I couldn't help but think about that afternoon and the first impressions we had now made upon each other. I started to wonder what would happen the next time I saw him again. I stomped on the brake just in time to stop for a red light as I pulled into the driveway of the apartment complex. I took a deep breath and sighed deeply, thinking about how no matter what happens, certain people just find a way to get under your skin and stay there, no matter what.

*
Stacie Anderson, [Mercer Dance Studio, Soho, New York City, NY]

“Dance as though no one is watching you.” Daniel said, turning and looking at me.
“Are you saying I'm nervous?” I asked, incredulous. I was pretty sure he couldn't be more wrong, or maybe he was having more of an effect on me than I was admitting to myself.
He smiled as he looked up at me again. “No – not at all. That's not what I'm saying.” He said, walking towards me, his arm on my shoulder.
“Well? What then?” I said, trying not to get more and more irritated by his smugness, safe in the assurance that he knew what he was doing, and the fact that we both knew I had no choice but to listen to him, no matter how ludicrous his claims were. I had never been nervous when it came to dancing. It was the one place where I had been able to be completely free.
'Maybe you should try something different? Your dancing – the whole thing is impressive – excellent. But it needs one more little thing – something different, something to give it a bit of an edge.”
“Well, to be honest, I thought that's what I've been trying to do all this time – giving all of this a bit more of an edge by combining two different genres at opposite ends of the spectrum – classic and contemporary.”
“Yes... that's apparent. What I'm saying is it still feels a little bit too structured in certain places... maybe you need to loosen it all up a bit... try changing levels a little bit... start at the bottom and then work your way up so you're never in one stance for too long.”
“Point taken.” I said, nodding my head quickly before looking away distractedly.
“Run through it again.” He said, looking at me, his back against the wall and looking at me as the music track started up again. I took a deep breath and steadied myself in front of the long, looming mirror.
As I ran through each step, Daniel stopped me after every single one, telling me what to do next. He wanted me to slow everything right down so we could try and focus on changing the dynamic of the performance. He came down to the floor, his hands suddenly resting gently on my ankles as he brought one foot forward as he spoke; “Now see what happens when you step here.... “ he said, before moving my right foot beside me “So, instead of stepping to the right.... maybe it would be better if you paused, did a double helix and then followed your body right down again, so that way your levels would change.... what do you think?” He said, glancing up from his position on the floor to look at me tentatively, searching my eyes for an answer.
“That sounds good.. I'll try and work on it.”
“Great, that's fantastic. Apart from that though, well... you're everything Ben said you would be... and more. I'm glad we're getting the chance to work together like this.” He said, as he looked at me and gave me one of his crooked smiles, flashing his teeth. I nodded and smiled back at him, laughing on the inside. I paused for a second and started to realize with sheer amazement, that this was the first time in a long time that I was happy.
“I wanted to ask you something....” He said, as I turned away from him to grab my bottle of water, still breathing heavily from all the dancing I had done, my first break in three hours.
“Yeah sure, go ahead....” I said, concentrating on finding the bottle of water rooted deep inside my bag and struggling to come out. I turned around to look at him, one hand placed firmly around my water cap and the other one instinctively reaching up to brush away the wild tendrils of curls that were surely springing around my face, before my hand stopped, halfway up to my head and frozen in mid-air as I realized another hand had beaten me to it – Daniel's.
Daniel smiled and looked at me as he carefully brushed a loose curl out of my face, and I smiled, awkwardly and grateful at the same time as I didn't know what he was about to say next.
“Its getting late... have you eaten anything today? I should make sure you get something to eat at least, after working you so hard – if you want, of course.” Daniel said looking at me slowly and smiling.
“um... thanks. I hadn't even thought about it... but I should eat something.” I confessed, looking up at him and giving him a short smile.
“Great. I'll drive you home myself, I promise.” He said, looking at me intently.
“Well, you drive a hard bargain, but... OK.” I said, agreeing to dinner with Daniel. He looked at me and smiled, shrugging on his familiar tanned leather jacket as we both walked out of the studio together. I really had no expectations from any of this. I had had a hard day, I was exhausted, so I was ready and willing to sit down, eat something, and relax. Dinner with Daniel was just a bonus, although I was hardly dressed the right way – I had sweatpants and a tank top on, along with a jumper that I had thrown on at the last minute. I didn't even want to imagine what my reflection looked like in the mirror. But once again, my words had run away with me, and not for the last time, I had spoken too quickly and without thinking. I was silent as we walked out of the studio and into the cool evening air, mulling over what people would assume about my appearance – I was all over the place, and looked like I had been styled from someone out of the Rocky Horror Show, whereas Daniel remained casual and sophisticated as usual, oblivious to my own dressed down image.
“Where exactly are we going?” I asked, casually, wondering if my subtle approach would give me some much needed quick answers to the temprament of the restaurant Daniel was taking me too so I could try and prepare myself as much as possible on such short notice.
“Oh, its not far from here, and don't worry, its casual. I do know you've just spent three hours in the studio, so I was hardly going to take you somewhere that was black-tie – give me some credit!” He said, looking at me, then raising his eyebrows and laughing.
“I'm glad you came though.” He said again before I could have a chance to respond.
We walked for a further 10 minutes before we walked up to the door of the restaurant, called Cafe Bella. Daniel walked in front of me and held the door open with an inviting expression on his face, a smug smile which told me that he knew that I wouldn't be able to back out now that we had arrived. I awarded his smug reaction with an obstinate glare as I walked in, sighing resignedly as we walked towards the hostess slowly. The restaurant wasn't crowded at all, in fact it was mostly empty apart from one or two couples and a group of friends all chatting animatedly in their respective booths. The lighting was neutral, creating a casual, open, yet intimate ambience with a light and reflective glow that focused upon the laid back approach of the restaurant, and I noticed that during peak times of the year, I could imagine the restaurant being one of the more popular spots to go to in the city.
The hostess had on a tank top and jeans, had unnaturally dark corkscrew curls, was of a petite build and was several inches shorter than my five foot eleven height. In flats, Daniel was still a head taller than me, and in heels, his head would still reach over mine, but nevertheless, Daniel's height didn't seem to bother the petite hostess at all as she looked up to him and smiled warmly, her eyes full of anticipation and excitement.
“Hi. Can we have a table for two please?” He said, looking at her and smiling.
“Yes, of course you can. If you'd like to follow me, then.” She said, her eyes wondering over my face for the first time as she finally acknowledged me standing next to Daniel. She gave me a short smile and then moved in front of us as she walked us to a booth.
She led us to one of the two most central booths in the restaurant and was about to seat us at the largest of the two, surrounded by the smaller booths with the rest of the paying customers. I pulled a chair out at the opposite end of the table, about to sit down, but Daniel still stood in front of the hostess, remaining perfectly stationary, and still.
“I'm really sorry to be difficult, but is there any chance we could sit somewhere less open?” He insisted, smiling at the hostess and flashing his teeth as he did so. The hostess regained her composure quickly and waved her hand to the right of us.
I looked up at him quickly, shaking my head. “This is fine, really, don't worry about....”
Daniel looked up at me and shook his head slowly, and then turned to walk behind the hostess as she directed us to our new table. I stood still at the table, confused, until Daniel grabbed my hand at the last minute and pulled me along with him.
“Is this one any better?” The hostess said, before turning squarely on her heel as she looked at us both directly in the face.
“This one's perfect. Thank you.”
“No problem at all- I'll be right back with a menu and your drink requirements.”
“Great.” Daniel said as she walked back towards the main area, her stiletto pumps echoing loudly on the floor.
“Why did you do that just now? We really didn't need to be all the way back here.” I said, looking around uncomfortably.
“I just didn't need every single eye on me... although I quite liked having everybody in the room stare at me for having the most beautiful date – in trackpants.”
I laughed. “Thanks.”
“I can't tell you how many people have come up to me and said how lucky I am to be working with you. You have this power over everyone – I don't think I've met anyone yet who hasn't said you're amazing.”
“Its tough having to keep proving yourself and living up to this kind of hype and madness, every single day. I hate it.” Daniel admitted.
“You hide it very well, I'll give you that.” I said.
“Its all just a game. You have to know the rules and you have to know how to play – very well. One small mistake, once you fall, sometimes you don't know if you're going to make it back before someone takes your place.”
“So, humor me, who is the real person behind it all, who's the real Daniel Thomas?” I said, jokingly, smiling.
“Well, with certain people in my life, all the hype falls away – and I can just be myself – just be me and know that I'll be accepted, no matter what happens, even if I'm secretly the biggest loser ever!” He said, smiling.
“Well, you're different than I expected. I thought you'd have this huge ego and become completely unapproachable.”
The hostess came and went, taking our drinks and food orders, but her presence was fairly unnoticed by both of us, and the tension between us was becoming more and more significant as each minute passed. I began to mull over my thoughts, stopping and catching myself, wondering what was going to happen between us, and I had to stop myself from putting my mind into overdrive. Daniel was the first man since Michael that I had allowed myself to stop and think about, to process the little things and try and make sense of all my random thoughts.
I had been focused and completely dedicated to my dancing, my career path, for all of this time that I had simply forgotten about everything else. I had forgotten how to date, how to be a best friend, how to be a sister, how to be a loving and understanding daughter. When I thought about Daniel, these thoughts came to the surface and persuaded me to think about things that I shouldn't be, even persuade me to say things that I shouldn't say – did I really want to put everything on the line and in jeopardy for my presumed feelings about Daniel – this one man in my life who was catching me unawares each and every time by having such a profound effect on me – all my other possible options in as far as foundations for new relationships had gone unnoticed, unwanted, and completely underneath my radar. For the past year, I had been like a zombie, dedicated to my one goal, and everything else simply seemed to be one big blur. Even after all this time, I still struggled to figure out what I wanted out of my personal life, if I even had time for a personal life anymore – I couldn't figure out what I wanted.
As we continued to talk, I looked at Daniel and couldn't help but feel different about my feelings towards him. This was something new but I didn't know if this was a bad thing or a good thing. He had something over me – his hypnotic spell that he had managed to cast over his adoring peers and co-workers was now starting to work its magic on me, the symptoms becoming clearer and clearer to me now. Despite everything, I hated the way I was feeling – the way I was able to completely fall for him so suddenly like this was a first for me. To make things more complicated, Daniel wasn't just any guy – he was a producer in the music industry, with everybody at his feet, and despite everything, and his open honesty with me, Daniel wasn't the guy I wanted to let myself believe in.
Regardless of my innate voice of reason and rationalisation, the heart has its own logic, and throughout my first dinner date with Daniel, I could feel myself being pushed and pulled down to the what ifs and maybes of us together.
“Its tough sometimes... the more hype that surrounds you, the more you have to reassess the people around you, the friends you keep... everything. It can be a hard lesson to learn, and lately I feel like certain people have had more of an positive effect on me than others... which is always a good thing.” He said, looking up at me, raising his eyebrows at me and smiling.
I looked up at him while twirling a fork half filled with pasta. “And you immediately thought of me?” I said, trying to work out what he was saying.
“Yeah, I guess I did.” He said. “All our time together in the studio is starting to have an effect on me.You see me and treat me as a person – a real person... and I like the way I feel when I'm around you. I'm falling for you.” He said, looking at me intently.
I sat quietly, brooding over what Daniel had just carefully admitted to me. I was dazed, and not confused, but shocked that Daniel had actually startled me with his confession – and that he was reciprocating my own silent thoughts and feelings about him. I began to feel quite disorientated – I looked down towards my drink and realised that I had managed to order sparkling water instead of coke, the latter being without the sugar rush I needed. I rested against my seat, grateful of its hard back to prop me up so I didn't end up slouching everywhere, as I started to feel overcome with tiredness. His expression was unreadable, his movements still as a statue, and not moving at all. As more minutes passed between us, I began to get uneasy, and he looked up into my eyes, his seeking my own, his hazel eyes full of questions as a pained expression quickly washed over his face only to be quickly replaced with a careful, cautious one instead as he looked at me,a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Do you want to get out of here?” He asked, looking at me suddenly. I nodded slowly as he waved the hostess over to pay the bill. As much as I wanted to get out of the restaurant and on my own to figure things out and to possibly get some much needed sleep, I was still grateful for the short walk back to the studio and then the ride home back to my flat, as I wasn't able or ready to allow myself to say goodbye to him on such awkward ground.
Once we had paid and left the restaurant, we went back outside into the cool evening air, and reality started to hit me all over again, leading me to believe that I had just stepped out of some kind of dream. But as I looked quickly at Daniel, I realised that dinner had actually happened. I wasn't shocked or surprised about having dinner, or about the fact that it was dinner with Daniel, or that I could be with Daniel – it was the fact that both of us had managed to fall for each other so quickly in such a short space of time – and that brought its own set of questions I just wasn't ready to face yet.
We walked back to the parking lot of the dance studio in absolute silence, mostly because I didn't know what to say – If Daniel confronted me about any of it, I wouldn't know what to say, or how to even begin to respond, or even begin to explain what I couldn't even make sense on my own.
As we got closer and closer towards my car, Daniel kept a careful distance between the both of us, and as we stopped against my car door, he pulled me towards him and held my hands in his. “Stacie...” He said, turning my body to face his as he continued; “Now would be the time to say something about all of this?”
I looked at him, meeting his eyes. “I can't... I can't... I can't put my dancing in jeopardy. This showcase is everything to me – without this, I don't go anywhere.”
“Is it really more important that you'd sacrifice.... this?” He asked, still holding my hands in his.
“This? What is this? What do we really mean to each other? I don't even think you can define what it is – what we actually have.”
“I know what I have when it comes to dancing... and I'm not going to gamble with it.” I continued.
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“You know what I mean. You have a thousand girls – women to choose from. Why me? I'm not going to be the latest squeeze of the month. If this goes wrong, you can bounce back from all of this. I can't.”
“Stacie, listen to me... you know its not like that.....”
“How should I know? If anybody found out what was happening, I could get pulled from the production. I've worked too hard for this to pass all of it up so easily and on such a whim.”
His hands dropped away from mine, and he slightly pulled away from me. I raised an arm, placing it gently on his shoulder as I tried to make him understand where I was coming from.
“I know you're afraid to take a chance on this... to take a chance on me... but please think about this. We won't have to defend our relationship to anyone. Look, you can't help who you fall for, and I wish, in this situation I could, for you, but I can't, I just can't.” He said. I looked at him and started to shake my head slowly as his hand came up to cradle my face.
I was still so confused about everything. I didn't want to damage my professional relationship in the midst of a personal one, I needed this production showcase so much. Another part of me was saying that I needed Daniel in my life,that life was too short for regrets and pulling back from the thing you want the most when its right in front of you and there for the taking. After my relationship with Michael had ended, this was the first time that my heart decided to embrace and entertain the prospect of falling in love again. But I ddin't know what was the right step for me, but I had to make a decision one way or the other, and decide before something else happened, and before it was too late.

*
Darren Anderson, [Waverly Avenue, West Brooklyn, New York City, NY]

'The love that makes the sun and other stars' – This was how Tasha had described the way we loved each other. From the very first moment I saw her, I always knew there was something special and alluring about her, something much more than the attractive, popular half Italian woman who was cute, likeable and funny, and I knew that she was the one.
But now, in this moment, I could hardly bear to look at her, this beautiful woman and the mother of my child – a part of both of us that grows inside of her.
I was angry and frustrated as I stood outside our bedroom door, a million thoughts running through my head as I tried to think where I had gone wrong. I shook my head and walked out onto the porch, where I sat down on the overhead bench, white and wooden, that hung from the low patio roof above the back door. I rummaged through my pockets for the packet of hidden cigarettes I kept in my jacket. As I lit up quickly, inhaled slowly and breathed out a cloud of smoke, I sat back on the bench and stared above at the starry sky. I always felt like I was trying to do the right thing, but always being compromised by my own judgement at the last minute.
Inside, I could hear Tasha moving about inside the kitchen noisily, no longer caring how much noise she ended up making. Now more than ever, I realised that she needed me to listen to her, whether she was right or wrong. She was in the middle of doing this amazing thing – and I realised that I couldn't afford to let her down – I didn't want to.
The walk I had taken to get here – to get to where I was today, had been a long, hard journey, and I didn't want to lose or waste any more time with focusing on the insignificant things. Tasha meant everything to me, now more than ever, and anything else that would stand in the way of loving her or causing her to be upset would just have to wait. Our relationship had been far from perfect, with ups and downs just like any normal couple, but maybe more than most.
We had always agreed that we drove each other crazy, to the point where we would have screaming matches and fights with each other until the other person gave in, both of us equally stubborn and insistent on not being the first one to cave in and show a white flag of surrender. However, for all our arguments, and volatile and erratic behaviour, one fact surpassed all of this, being clear to anybody who looked at us that we were madly in love and crazy about each other.
Now I don't even know how we had ended up here – I would do anything for Tash – anything to make her happy, and now it seemed like my every move did the exact opposite. I walked slowly back into the kitchen, and watched her as she made macaroni and cheese, her favourite dish since she found out she was pregnant. I rested my hands on the tabletop behind me and watched her, before she turned around to face me and we both stared at each other. We both knew that there was nothing left to say about the situation with my father, with my broken family, but despite everything, I knew I had to change and listen to her, wanting me to be everything that she expected I should be, and more.
She shook her head resignedly as she looked around the kitchen distractedly, before allowing her eyes to linger on my face again, looking intently into my eyes before she spoke.
“Darren – I really don't feel like talking right now.”
“We're a good match then. It means you can listen.” I said, moving in front of her face.
“Can we not do this now? I'm tired – I need to lie down.” She said, pushing her head away to the side, and grabbing my shoulder, trying to push my body out of the way so she could get past.
“I'm not going anywhere.”
“Great – you can stay here as long as you like, but I'm leaving.” She said, resolutely, her stubborn look flashing across her face.
I grabbed her arm as she turned her body away from me. “Stay with me – don't you think we need to talk about all of this?”
“There's nothing left to say.” She said, turning her head slightly and looking up at me, her face cold and distant, giving me a stony glare.
“Look, I know I've made every wrong decision about everything, it seems, but I really think....”
“You really think what? What are you so sure about this time? That you're going to stop being immature? That you're going to grow up and take responsibility for your actions? I already have one baby to take care of, and I don't need another one.” She said, looking at me and shrugging her shoulders.
“I know, I know....” I said, grabbing her face and covering it with kisses, finally kissing the top of her forehead, and pressing her stomach carefully.
“I'm sorry.... I love you so much, and I'm sorry for the way I've been handling everything, I just feel very protective over you sometimes.” I said, holding her face in my own hands.
She smiled as she looked at me. “I'm not fragile – I'm not going to break anytime soon. You don't have to protect me.”
I looked at her and smiled. “I know. I guess my family has been so messed up these past couple of months, and in my own weird way I just didn't want you to have to be a part of it.” I said.
She looked at me and held my face in her hands. “Baby, I am a part of your family – I'm your family too.”
“And you're right you know... about everything... whoever this is...” I said, patting her stomach gently; “they're going to want to have all of their family in their lives, and they should, no matter what.” I said, as I smiled and kissed her on the top of her forehead.
She turned back towards the granite worktop, as she started to spoon macaroni and cheese out of a frying pan and onto the plate before taking it along to the table as I turned and grabbed my keys off the worksurface before looking at her and raising my eyebrows in surprise.
“Mac and Cheese? I thought you weren't a fan?” I said, laughing as she played with a forkful of it as she raised her head and looked at me.
“I know. What can I say? Cravings – I'm up and down like a rollercoaster. Last week it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the week before it was bananas and anchovies, and now its mac and cheese.” Tasha said, looking at me and smiling.
“I'm going to go and stop off at my parents' – I think they want me to be there – and I haven't talked to my dad since seeing him briefly at the restaurant.” I said, looking at Tasha.
“Well, I hope it all goes well....give me a call later, OK? If you're stopping by the Deli, could you pick me up a...”
“Chicken salad with no pickles or onions?” I said, looking at her and smiling.
“Wow – I'm impressed!”
“Well, what can I say? Being around you and your cravings all the time has rubbed off.” I said, as I blew her a kiss and went out the front door.
The fresh air outside was a welcome relief as it helped to clear my head. I still had no idea what I would say to my father as I hadn't seen him since my angry exit back at the restaurant, which had been over two weeks ago.
I had been feeling pre-occupied and distant because of my strained relationship with my father, but I was determined to fix it and to try and correct it, and I would support him if I needed to. I had missed the relationship that we used to have – the fact that I could go and talk to him about anything had been a big part of my life so far, and during the first few weeks of learning that Tasha was pregnant, I had been able to talk to my dad, able to put my cards on the table in frank and honest candour.
I got into the car and drove up to the freeway, and once on the road, I went faster, keeping my speed just below the limit, and casually checking for the right exit, not that I needed to since I knew the route to my parents house backwards, but I figured I might as well take the extra steps to be more careful – I had begun to guess that the prospect of fatherhood was starting to affect me more than I realised.
As I turned off the speedway, and out into the streets of the upper east side, it took me all of ten minutes to get through the building driveway and into the large drive that circled the entirerity of my parent's house, as i noticed Stacie's car in the driveway along with the usual two cars of my parents, neatly parked side by side.
I walked up to the door, and knocked to see Stacie open the door, pushing her hair back from her face as she looked to see who it was. She smiled slightly when she saw it was me, and gave me a brief hug before turning on her shoe and walking inside and down the corridor towards the lesser, and the more informal of the living rooms, which was open plan and backed onto the breakfast bar, a slight version of the larger kitchen on the other side.
Her usual sleek dark brown curls were now slouched in a low, messy ponytail and her eyes had a pre-occupied yet vacant look, as if she was trying to figure something out that she couldn't find the answers to. I assumed she had been down to the studio today as she was wearing a baggy tracksuit and a jumper, but flat shoes instead of trainers.
I walked into the living room and nodded over at my mother and father, who had also made their way into the living room and stood quietly chatting in quiet voices amongst themselves as Stacie now sat down, stationary and silent at the large burnt terracotta table in the middle of the room, the empty seats around her and the large vastness of the table only emphasized the fact that she either wanted to be alone, or that something was wrong, but she was having trouble with putting it all into words so people could have a chace of relating to or identifying with her on some small level, as clearly, or what seemed to be the case with our family, was that we were never really overloaded with friends , popular visits or even next door neighbours, as the friends that we had made often confided in us that the other people in the same neigbourhood became envious of our looks.
“Hey Stace, how's it going?” I said, looking at her.
“Yeah... fine.” She said, carrying a pile of papers in her hands, struggling to walk, before I grabbed the entire pile out of her hands and carried it easily across the room towards the table.
I nodded across the room towards my mother and father who now stood at the breakfast bar in the open plan living room, the lesser of the two living rooms, talking amongst themselves in quiet whispers. I sat down at the table and looked across at Stacie, trying to figure out what was wrong, what she was thinking, and whether or not she would let me in, and let me try to help.
“How's all the dancing going, then?” I said, trying to make another effort at having a successful conversation with my younger sister.
She looked up at me and then sighed, shaking her head quickly, looking down at her pile of papers again and writing furiously.
“What's all that?” I said, nodding towards the pile of papers, some on the table, whilst the bigger pile rested precariously on her lap.
“Did you forget I'm organising Tasha's surprise baby shower?” She said, looking up at me and giving me a short quick smile before returning her eyes towards the stack of papers.
“Right... Thanks for doing that by the way, Tasha really will appreciate it.” I said.
“I know.” Stacie said and looked at me, giving me a quick smile before pushing her loose curls back away from her face.
I reached out a hand and touched her shoulder lightly, and she flinched as she appeared jumpy. She looked back at my hand and gave me another smile. I got up from the table and walked towards the breakfast bar towards my mother and father. My mother enveloped me in a huge hug. I looked over towards my dad who gave me a large smile and held out his hand, which I shook immediately.
“So, how's everything going?” I asked, eager to know what was going to happen with my father.
“Good – For the last couple of weeks, and with your mother's help, I've been trying to figure out how I should start dealing with all of this – and making sure I do the right thing – and make the right decision. So I've come to the decision that the next step should be some kind of rehabilitation – I've made an appointment at Honor Oaks and they're going to call me in for an assessment next week – to see whether or not I'm eligible.”
“Dad....”
“Listen to me, Darren. This has been a huge wake up call for me, more than I even imagined myself. If I want this family to survive and get through this and get back to the way things things used to be, then I need to do this – to get some professional help of some sort. I need to do this – and I'll keep getting help with this until I know I won't let you – any of you down ever again.”
“Right... well, I'm proud of you.” I said, as I gave my father a hug, the first time I had given him one in a long time.
“How are you doing – how's Tash, and the baby?” My mother asked, looking at me, a huge smile sweeping over her face, as it did everytime anybody brought up the subject of Tasha and the baby.
“She's fine – everything's great.” I said, smiling at both of my parents and laughing as I shook my head.
“More to the point though, does anybody know what's wrong with Stace?” I asked, looking at both of them. My parents both looked at me and shook their heads. My mum looked at me slowly before continuing. 'I'd say she's been a little stressed, I think maybe's she under a little bit of pressure, but that's nothing compared to the pressure she puts on herself. But its no higher than usual, I think.”
“She seems a bit distant, and aloof. Something's definetely wrong with her.” I said, looking at her, and trying to work out what was the matter with her. I grabbed a drink from the refridgerator and walked back towards the table, sitting down next to her.
“There are four other chairs around this table.” She said, not looking at me as she continued to write. A few minutes passed by as I still sat down in the same chair and finally, she put her pen down and raised her eyebrows, looking at me in confusion.
“What's going on with you, Stace?” I said.
“What's with all the 20 questions? You've never been one to keep on at me like this. Like I said, I'm fine.”
“Like I said, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong? Is it something to do with dancing?”
She looked at me and sighed deeply.
“My Dancing is fine... its.... something else... its complicated.”
“What is it?”
“Its Daniel....”
“The guy that's replaced Ben? What's the problem?” I asked, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“Well, now that I'm changing parts of the showcase, it means I'm spending all of my free time down at the studio, and as a result Daniel and me have had to spend a lot more time together... and its been a couple of months, and....” She stopped mid sentence and looked at me before she started to laugh. “I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this....but we've both admitted that we like each other.”
“And that's a bad thing?” I asked her.
“Yeah, it is! My dancing means everything to me, and if anything went wrong,. I'd never forgive myself for not trying hard enough.... and I'm not about to put it all in jeopardy over me feeling a certain way about some guy.”
“But is he really some guy? Is he really the same as every other guy out there?” I asked her.
“Yeah.... “ She trailed off.
“Are you sure?” I asked her, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.
“You think this is funny?”
“No... its just you always do this – you get in your own way all of the time when it comes to these types of things. I know dancing is important to you – and given your god given talent, you have to stop thinking about if it will happen, but when.”
“Its not that simple, Darren. I know it was like that for you and Tash, you two are made for each other, but this is different.”
“Is it? If this is the first guy in a long time that's made you feel something different, you can't give up on that. You can't give up and turn your back on love for the sake of dancing. Sometimes you need to take a step back, and find out what will make you really happy.”
“I know what will make me happy... my dancing, my showcase... I need this to happen.”
“Will it? What about in a couple of months time? How will you feel when you see Daniel everyday, keeping yourself away from him – how are you going to feel when he moves on?”
Stacie shook her head slowly and looked at me. “When did you get so smart?”
“What can I say, I have my moments.” I said, looking at her and giving her a big smile.
On my way home from my parents' house, I could only hope that our family was slowly getting back to how things used to be. For my mother, she had been no doubt pushed to the very edge of love and back in showing her solidarity towards my father, whilst I had been tested a number of times to see if I was really changing – if I was really taking on a different role altogether in embracing my soon to be fatherhood. Somehow I was eager to get back to the way things used to be, but I knew that despite everyone's best intentions, too much had changed for everything to go back, but I knew that all of us, together, and as individuals, were now strong enough to rescue and save each of us when we stumbled and fell, something that I hoped that I would be able to do with my own growing family.

*
Stacie Anderson, [Mercer Dance Studio, Soho, New York City, NY]

It's as if I've gone colourblind. Whenever I dance, everything's always in sharp, vivid technicolour – everything makes sense, my steps are perfect, my body syncs perfectly with every beat, every note, and harmonizes seamlessly with the music.
I'm standing in front of the mirror, out of breath, my hair damp and frizzy as sweat covers every part of my skin. I've spent three hours rehearsing the steps, but they're not making any sense to me. The steps are as usual, perfect, but something's missing and somehow, its just not coming together. I try and play with the choreography, but no matter what I do, however many turns I put in, or how many steps I take out or make more complicated or simpler, nothing seems to work.
I take a couple of steps back away from the mirror, and take a deep breath. I sit down on the chair, and put my head back, trying to get my breath back as I sit forward, my damp loose curls flying everywhere. I take a few ragged, short breaths and walk towards the door where my bag is laying on the floor, and rummage inside it for my phone and my bottle of water.
I make my way back towards the chair, before getting up and walking towards the mirror and start to cool down, stretching every part of my aching body, my muscles so sore that they feel like they are being torn instead of stretched. This manages to distract me from my own stressful restlessness for about half an hour before I walk back towards the chair. I take a large sip of water, grateful for the cool liquid hitting the back of my throat. I sighed deeply, looking down towards the floor, trying to distract myself from my own thoughts.
I think about what I want out of my life, what I want right at this very moment, but no matter what I do, one thought keeps coming back to me over and over again, and despite all my protests and silent proclamations, I can't ignore it anymore. I reach for another sip of water, then pull out my phone. I can't even believe I'm about to do this – but I have to at least give it a chance. With steady, but unsure hands I scroll through my phonebook to find the number I'm looking for – past Win's number, and even past Michael's new number, before I find the one I'm looking for and type a text.
“Can we meet?” S
I press the send button, and wait, putting my phone back into my bag and stand up in front of the mirror, trying to put my thoughts out my head. I walk towards the window, and stare outside for a little bit, until I walk slowly back towards the chair, my legs aching with every step. I take my phone out of my bag and look at the message on the screen waiting for me.
“Sure.” D

*
Stacie Anderson, [Toast, Soho, New York City, NY]

We agree to meet in a small place called Toast in Soho, around the corner from the dance studio and within walking distance for me, much to the upset of my legs. Its a comfortable, inconspicous place with modern decoration, and shelves full of cook books. I walk inside the door and look around patiently. The two main centrepieces are the kitchen, and the bar. The focus of the kitchen are the large stove, of which takes most of the room, which the rest of the kitchen is built around. The open plan layout of the kitchen is warm and welcoming, and the majority of the tables are placed carefully around it. On to the back of the kitchen is the bar, with huge granite surfaces surrounding the centrepiece of the bar. I walk towards the front, facing the kitchen, and look around quickly before my eyes sweep across Daniel, waiting for me at a small table situated a few feet away from a stainless steel worksurface with a huge matching coffee maker on it. I smile as he looks at me and waves me over to him.
I feel my guard rising up instinctively, and against all my better judgement, here I am, succumbing to my own stupid motions and following my heart instead of my own instincts.
“Hi. Thanks for meeting me.” I join him at the table, where he looks up at me and smiles, before taking a quick sip of a large ceramic mug of coffee on the table.
“That's OK. I was glad you suggested this – thanks for not holding my rudeness against me, about the whole holiday thing – I should have told you, and not left it to my assistant to tell you.”
“That's fine. I hope you had a good time.” I said, looking up at him.
He looked at me and shrugged. “It was all work, really. I couldn't wait to get back.” He said. as he looked at me, his eyes flashing.
No matter what I had willed myself to think in the last couple of weeks whilst I had been away from him, something always brought me back to thinking about him. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't get away from Daniel pervading my thoughts.
“Stace – what is all this about? Why did you want to meet me?” He asked. As if out of nowhere, a hostess came over to take my drinks order, allowing me more time to stall and think of a better reason than “I just wanted to.” I ordered a large cappucino, and the hostess looked at both of us and smiled, nodding before walking away again.
“I don't know... I just... I just needed to see you. I can't explain it.” I said reluctanctly, maintaning eye contact with him whilst waiting silently for a reaction.
“Why?” He said, looking up at me, his eyebrows furrowing, giving me a stony look.
“I felt something, and as much as I've been trying not to think about you, I can't help it.”
His expression relaxed as I sighed, and looked at him, as he looked down before he smiled at me, flashing his teeth. His smile was infectious, and I couldn't help but smile back.
“How can you act so insouciant about this, though? I mean, if anybody found out... I don't know what would happen, and I start rehearsals with the cast soon. The last thing I need is them thinking my favouritism is based on sexual favours If we have to start decieving people, we're going to have to weave one tangled web.”
He looked at me and laughed. “I don't know... I meant what I said, Stace. I've fallen for you. I haven't stopped thinking about you since that night, and I just want you to give this a chance.”
“I know, I know, me too. Its just I don't want to jeopardise what I've already worked so hard for. And as I said, you could have a thousand women if you wanted to.”
“I know all of this. I don't want anybody else. The only person I want is you. I don't want this to be a fling – I want the fairytale. Can you trust me with that?”
“Yeah.. I guess I can.” I said, looking at him and smiling.
“So, what happens now?” I said, looking at him and smiling, not knowing what to expect. But now that my cards were on the table, for the first time in a long time, I didn't care.
“Well... I've always wanted to try one thing....” He said, his eyes sweeping over every part of my face as he looked at me, a large smile appearing on his face.
“Don't move...” He said, his voice now a gentle whisper as his face got closer and closer towards mine, until our lips were just inches away from each other's, and before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine, pressing gently against mine, before I took a deep breath and kissed him back, my lips gently brushing against his, before he kissed me back more passionately, and I could only respond with kissing him right back, my lips lingering for a few seconds as I drew my breath back, my fingers lightly tracing the outlines of his face as he waited patiently until my mouth found its way back to his.

*
Stacie Anderson, [Hillside Villas, Gramercy, New York City, NY}

“Stace, come on, you can't possibly deny it anymore... its been 2 months already!” Win looked at me and smiled, before she burst out laughing.
“Well, if you find it so funny, maybe its just a casual thing after all, and not even worthy of giving a name to any of it.” I said, raising my eyebrow and smiling.
“OK, I'm sorry. You're right. Why are you holding out on this, though? I bet he's already started doing it, only you haven't noticed.” Win said, looking at me and winking.
“Win – please, just stop! I think if he had, I would have noticed by now...” I said. Win gave me one of her special puppy dog, adorably cute looks which just proved impossible to say no to. She didn't do it a lot, but whenever she did, she claimed there was always an important reason, or agenda behind why she had done it.
“OK, OK, fine. You can call him my boyfriend, although I don't get why you can't just call him Daniel – just like everyone else.” I said.
“Stace, this is good. You're finally allowing yourself, well, me, to define what you really mean to each other. You two are sickeningly cute together anyway.”
“OK, I really have to go now.” I said, walking away from her, and grabbing a piece of toast on my way out, making sure I had my phone and car keys with me on my way out of the front door.
I shook my head, closing the door firmly behind me as I walked towards my car. A rising feeling of euphoria started to take over as I drove down to the studio, knowing that I would see the one person who could always make me unbelievably happy in just a few short minutes. It took a while for me to get used to feeling like this – as I hadn't experienced anything like this in such a long time. I would never forget my old relationship with Michael – it had been important for both of us – he was the first person I had allowed myself to completely fall in love with, and although it hadn't worked out between us, there had been times when we had both brought out the best in each other. After our split, I threw myself back into my dancing, cutting myself off to every kind of emotion, and shutting myself down completely, always having my guard up with every new opportunity when it came to relationships.
I walked in the studio to find Daniel on the phone, and focused on who he was talking to on the other end of the line. His eyebrows were furrowed together in concentration, and he had a tank top on and a jumper which accentuated his chest, and his muscles. I looked around the room, a few minutes passing by, before my eyes finally swept over Daniel's assistant, standing in the corner of the room, looking at me with a volatile glare. I smiled in her direction, and she started walking over to me, in careful steps, making a conscious effort to walk in a certain way that highlighted the way her body moved against her clothes. I looked down at my phone before casually glancing up to find that she was right in front of me, staring at me, and waiting patiently, as if she wanted me to speak.
“Hi. How are you?” I said, looking at her, flashing another short smile as her large eyes swept over me, her eyebrows raised, in what looked like mild disgust.
“Hi. What are you doing here?” She asked, sweetly, before giving me a short, condescending smile.
“What do you mean?” I asked, her, suddenly looking over her head towards Daniel. I wasn't exactly bothered by what she had said – I knew that I was supposed to be here – whether Daniel was here or not, seeing as I practically owned the studio, I was the only dancer in the entire building who got the most use out of any one studio.
“I'm supposed to be here.” I said, looking back at her, raising my eyebrows questioningly, challenging her own derogatory stares back at me.
“Right... its just I don't think Daniel was expecting you today... he has a lot to do... such a busy man.” She said, looking back over her shoulder and staring at him. Daniel looked at the both of us – these two women and smiled in our direction before slightly turning his body away from us and lowering his voice, talking into his phone.
“It really doesn't matter to me whether Daniel was expecting me or not... I don't need him to be here anymore than you don't want him to be here – with me.” I said, a look of defiance on my face, my words obviously striking a nerve with her, but she quicly recovered as she looked back at me.
“Just so you know, Daniel needs me in his life... I'm a big part of it... without me, nothing would ever get done.” She said, looking at me, a smug smile on her face.
“Right. Well, thanks for that. God help him if you ever were to disappear.”
“My point exactly. I love what I do – and I always make sure I put in 110% each - and every time.” She finished.
“Well, I can understand that perfectly – you have a job to do. Now if you'll excuse me, you're getting in the way of me doing my job.” I said, raising my hand and waving it in front of her, making sure she was out of the way. She skulked away to the door, and walked out, leaving the door wide open behind her.
A few more seconds passed, and I went over to the raised platform near the door where I dropped my bag, before I turned around and walked towards the middle of the room, standing in front of the mirror, preparing my body to run through my normal routine of stretching.
Daniel walked towards me, a huge smile on his face as he looked at me, and swept me up in his arms, wrapping his arms around me, as he turned my body towards his, and kissed me gently on the lips.
“Hey you.” He said, whispering in my ear now, as his nose started to nuzzle my ear.
“Hey.” I said, looking at him and smiling. I looked at him, before a wave of lust engulfed me, out of nowhere, and my hands found their way up to their face as I drew his face towards mine, and kissed him again – this time, harder, and passionately, my lips crushing down on his, as I closed my eyes and let myself get wrapped up in his body.
“I was just talking to your assistant, Sonja? She seems so nice.” I said, raising my eyebrows playfully at him whilst his fingers ran through my hair, before his arms wrapped around my waist protectively.
“Sorry if she's been giving you any trouble... its just her way... she can be a lot to take sometimes...but she's good at her job, I don't know what I would do without her.” Daniel said, looking at me.
“Its fine. Don't worry about it, I'm sure her animosity will blow over soon, right, its not like she holds some kind of personal vendetta against me... yet!” I said, looking at him, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.
“Well, I can see her point...” Daniel said, a frank expression on his face as he looked down before he looked me in the eye. “Its incredibly hard for her to get me to focus and concentrate on anything these days.. especially when you're in the room, and since I can't stop thinking about you, she's under immense pressure to get me to pay attention to the most tiniest of things, when my mind's all wrapped up around you... you're the one.” He said, breathing those final three words into my ear, as if it was a secret that was only meant for me to hear, and know the meaning behind it, and in that moment, I believed that he was telling me the truth.