2. [nothing everything]

*
II – nothing everything

Darren Anderson, [Phoenix Point & Waverly Avenue, West Brooklyn, New York City]

Drugs had never really been that much of a big deal for me. Everybody I knew, even my fiancee, had been through the temporary phase of smoking pot at high school and college parties, and although I had smoked on a regular basis during my first year of college, it hadn't developed into a lasting habit of mine, as it had done with so many of my peers.
It had been a week since I had found out that my father had a problem with Cocaine, and I hadn't wanted to speak to my parents at all. It was all too much to deal with, and with everything else that was happening, I didn't want any part of it. I had decided to drive up to phoenix point, a specific place at the top of a hill in Brooklyn that overlooked the rest of the city. I sighed and leaned back, breathing deeply, able to smell the lingering scent of almonds and coconuts in Natasha's hair – this was one of my favourite places to come and think – to come and relax, without any other exterior judgement or expectations.
I lay back comfortably on the top of my car hood, a hybrid, with Natasha on top of me, our growing bump in the middle, her thumbs gently stroking the lower part of my torso softly as if they belonged there. I bent my head towards her, as she looked up and I kissed her gently on the top of her forehead as she relaxed and leaned back as my arms wrapped tightly around her. It was twilight – and we both looked out just in time to watch the sun setting from the top of the horizon.
I had always believed that Natasha Baila, my fiancee, was part of my destiny, and I was hers. When I was weak, I took my strength from her, and when she was down, I was able to breathe life back into her, so she once again became the person I had fallen in love with when we had first met during high school when we were both seventeen.
Now, eight years later, and a baby on the way, not much had changed in the way we cared about and loved each other. Even though a decade had passed, it seemed like no time at all had passed between us. I loved all the little things about her – her big, almond shaped eyes, the way her hair caught the light in the sunshine, the way she looked when she slept next to me, the way her soft, lingering kisses felt on my skin, the way her lips brushed against mine. I held her tighter to me now, shifting my body underneath hers, suddenly thankful that I had moments like this where I was able to find complete escapism from reality.
“You're thinking about your dad, aren't you?” She said, her voice sounding like bells, as she looked up at me, smiling and raising a hand, stroking my face gently.
Before I could reply, she shuddered and let out a small cry as she clutched her stomach, her hands cradling the small bump that now protruded clearly, straining against the fabric of her t-shirt, her eyes closing in pain.
“What is it, baby?” I asked, suddenly anxious, my arm around her shoulder.
“Nothing... its... I think it just kicked!” She said, her hand still on bump, pressing firmly as she moved her hand around her stomach, trying to find the little source of movement so she could feel it again. She smiled as she looked up at me, grabbing my hand and placing it on her stomach lightly. I felt her stomach, waiting for a kick, some kind of movement, as all of a sudden I felt a hard thud against my skin.
I was lost for words as I felt our little bump kick for the first time, and me and Tasha couldn't stop beaming at each other, convinced it was a sign. Like us, our little bump liked the atmosphere of coming here, of being completely alone, of being somewhere that felt as if you were in another world, where things were simpler, calmer, and extraordinarily beautiful.
Tasha looked up at me, and smiled as she moved her body closer next to mine, as her lips found mine and we kissed each other, strongly and passionately than ever before.
“You have to talk to him.” Tasha said, looking up at me again as she shifted her body slightly to sit up straight, my arms still tightly wrapped around her waist. I gave her a small, stiff smile as I didn't know what to say. Since it had happened, there hadn't been a day when it hadn't entered my mind at some point, only to be put to the back of my mind all over again, only to distract me when I found myself alone and restless.
“Why? Why should I have to talk to him ever again?” I asked, looking at her face and trying not to get upset over all of this nothing, trying not to get mad all over again.
“I just can't... I can't sleep through the pain of his lies and betrayal – he's my father, but its just too soon, not for him, but for me.” I continued.
'What's going to happen, then? You judge your dad for the rest of his life because of one incident that he had the courage to own up to in the first place?”
“I don't need you to question my motives! Baby, I need your support.” I said, my voice rising.
Tasha looked at me, and sighed resolutely, stroking her stomach. “It'll be OK... “ she said as she looked up at me and tiptoed to kiss me on my lips. “Things will get better, and you'll get through this.”
I looked at her and nodded, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. “Thank you.”
I started to get up from the hood of the car, and jumped off the hood onto the ground, before carefully helping Tasha off the car and onto her feet, putting my arm around her and kissing her hair as we walked back towards the car and drove away from our little secret concave of paradise, towards reality where life never seemed to stop changing or moving.
I wanted to go and talk to my dad, but I didn't know where to start, or what to say. I had to get my priorities in order – the truth of the matter was my family was growing and about to get bigger than just the two of us, and I wanted to be a part of it as much as possible – both mentally and physically.
As we got nearer to our apartment, I felt the mood and atmosphere between us change. On the drive back, I had managed to focus on clearing my head, blocking out any thoughts and memories that had managed to infiltrate my mind over the last couple of days. As we pulled up to the house and I helped Tasha out of the car, she flashed a wide smile at me and despite my stressful mood, her smile had always been incredibly infectious and now I couldn't help but smile back at the woman I loved.
I opened the door and walked down the hallway towards the living room, Tasha's hand intertwined with mine as I led her down the hallway to the living room where she could sit down. As I turned off and began to walk towards the living room door, I felt a small pull of my hand forcing me in the opposite direction as I looked back at what was going on. Tasha's body was a lot closer to mine now than it had been mere seconds ago, and as she stared at me, I wanted to take advantage of the fact that her face, and her body were only inches away from mine. I looked at her again as she pulled my hand again, taking charge and moving in the opposite direction away from the living room and back towards our bedroom.
Our bedroom was by far, the nicest and most luxurious room in our small apartment. The bed itself was huge and white, an antique four posted bed that had been a present from both of our parents as a recent engagement gift. The pale wooden floorboards matched the floors that ran through the entire apartment, the walls were white with white doors to match.
She looked at me and laughed, breathing and whispering sweet, sensual nothings into my ear, as my arms wrapped under hers in a soft embrace as I pressed her body against mine, my lips crushing down on hers, my hands caressing her warm brown skin, as a low moan escaped from my throat. I could feel her hands pressing down firmly against my body, as she started taking off my jacket, my sweater, as she ran her hands over my chest as I kissed her throat and caressed the nape of her neck.
Our bodies blended and tangled together to become one on the bed. The normal caution I had restrained these past few weeks on account of the baby had disappeared and we both came together – fiercer, stronger, and more passionate than ever.
I pulled my fingers slowly down her face, my fingers lightly tracing over every beautiful contour, my fingertips travelling from her jawline down to her throat and all across her stomach, and down to her waist. Our bodies connected all over again and I sighed, as she laughed, her breathy laugh ringing in my ears as I held her in my arms.
“I love you, did you know that?” I said, whispering quietly inside her ear.
“I know.” She said, laughing again.
“I honestly thought you were tired.” I said, flashing her a smile.
“No... “ Tash said, looking up at me and winking. “Sometimes... I want us to be together all the time... and it doesn't make things any easier for me when you're so incredibly hard to resist.”
*
My phone started to ring incessantly as I woke up, Tasha sleeping soundly next to me, and answering the phone groggily and as quickly as I could, wanting to get rid of the person who was phoning me on the other end of the line. I looked down at my caller ID to see who had been calling me at this time of the morning.
“Stacie? Do you realise what time it is?” I said, my voice incredulous now as I tried to restrain myself from shouting down the phone.
“We need to talk....” She said, her voice quieter, softer now, trying to calm my rising chagrin and irritation.
“Look, there's really nothing left to talk about anymore... just drop it.” I said, refusing to argue with her about all of our family drama so early in the morning, without even as much as a cup of coffee inside of me.
“Can you just try and see past yourself for once on this, Darren? None of us had heard from you since that night... I just wanted to know you were OK, and to talk about what we're going to do about all of this. Its tearing me apart. It just feels so surreal, and I... I just can't make sense of it. She said, her voice now resolute and despondent in my ear.
“I'm really not in the mood for a lecture right now, and I don't want to wake Tash, so can we just do this later?” I said, my voice irritable now, every fibre of my body leaning slowly backwards towards the pillows behind me on the bed.
“Fine. Look, I know you don't want to go through any of this, and neither do I, but its just something we have to do. Mum and Dad want us all to meet up tonight, not at the house, just on neutral ground. I'll send you the directions – I'll wait for you to arrive – don't let me down.” Stacie said, as I snapped my phone shut, as my head fell back into the pillows with a loud thump as Tasha softly stirred in her sleep, grimacing slightly as she pressed her hand against her stomach before it fell away again.
I felt absolutely horrible as I looked through the window to see the first morning sunlight pour into the room. I hadn't slept well the entire night and now my head felt as if it was about to explode. Awareness started to seep through me now as I realised I would have to face it all again – I would have to look my dad in the face while he would try and fail in giving us some kind of justifiable explanation as to why he had done this – why he had decided to put his family through hell.
I got out of the bed, covering Tasha with more of the bedcovers as I walked out of the room and down the hallway along to the kitchen, where I closed the door behind me and started to boil the kettle before going in search of some strong coffee, hoping this would help me make sense of everything and try and rationalise my thoughts, so I could come to a logical and fair solution.
I sat down at the table, the warm cup of coffee in between my hands, not even sure if seconds, minutes, or hours had passed until Tasha came into the kitchen, bleary eyed but awake, her long dark hair cascading down her back as she looked at me and smiled.
“Hey Sleepyhead. What's going on?” She asked, coming around the table towards me where I grabbed her and placed her on my lap lightly, her hands running through my short dark hair as she cradled my face in her hands, closing my eyes as she did so.
“Its complicated.” I said, looking up at her and giving her a short, stiff smile, wanting to reassure her that everything was going to be OK.”
“Does this have anything to do with your dad?” She asked, stroking my face as she looked at me, pointing my face towards hers.
“Stacie called me this morning.... apparently we all need to meet up again, to talk things over, I guess.”
“And? What do you think about it all?”
“I don't know... I just... I can't... I'm just so angry.... “
“Do you want me to be honest about all of this?” Tasha asked me, her expression hesitant, not knowing what was going to happen next. I nodded as I waited patiently for her to speak.
Tasha grabbed my hands and held them close to her heart as she looked at me. “Don't. Don't do this...please.” She said, her voice just a quiet whisper as she looked at me. “He's your dad, and whether you like it or not, you can't shut this all out for much longer. I know you've been distant, unemotional... and I think if you reached out to your dad, despite everything, things would get better, I promise. You trust me, don't you?”
I nodded as I looked up at her and smiled, not knowing what to say. Once again Tasha had rendered me speechless, and I often tried my best not to contemplate or even entertain the notion of living my life without her. I looked away into the trees as I thought about this, about what my family life had come to, how the situation I was in now was something I never could have imagined happening.
“OK. I'll go along... tonight. The man deserves one last chance for redemption, at least.” I said.
Thinking back to that night, I felt like I had no choice but to walk away – walk away and leave it all behind. All of the pain I was holding onto still hadn't left me and I didn't have any idea about what to say when I saw my dad again. It wasn't the fact that my dad had done cocaine, everybody makes mistakes. It was the fact that he had kept on using it for so long, unashamed and unware of the effect this would have on all of us when we found out what he had been doing, and I was angry and upset that this had failed to resonate long enough in his mind to make him stop.
I had heard every word that my mum had said that night, and even now, it seemed like it was too late for my dad to try and apologise. I had promised to go along to please Tasha and Stacie, but I had no expectations – I expected nothing from my dad anymore. I was afraid to accept this idea as he had never failed to disappoint me before, and this was proving to be more than I could handle. Nevertheless, I needed the chance to tell him how I really felt, even if his atonement didn't manage to help him.
Mum had been the only one that had been able to read and decode the signs, working out what had been going on all of this time. Now it was up to the rest of us to wonder how we had ended up here, how this had happened right in front of our eyes without anybody noticing any sooner. I used to know my dad inside out, and there wasn't anything that anybody could tell me that could make me love him any less, but now that bubble had burst, and my thoughts had become sabotaged with endless memories of my dad now ruined by this one sudden revelation that had rendered our family lost and numb.
Late evening came, and Tasha was still at work as I finally started to get ready, pulling on a pair of jeans and a jumper over me before walking outside for the first time since I had woken up that day. I sighed heavily as I made my way towards the car, looking up at the sky to see it clear and black, with not a star or a cloud in sight.
Stacie had called me again later on that day to give me the address, reaching into my back pocket and grabbing the folded up piece of paper, reading the address of Montepulciano, an Italian restaurant in my parents' neighbourhood that had always been an understated favourite of theirs, as I got into the car and drove off, not knowing what to expect, but hoping to make the best of a bad situation.
The waiting and wondering had been driving me insane all day as I got nearer and nearer to the restaurant. If it hadn't been for the gentle and powerful persuasions of both Stacie and Natasha, I didn't really plan to have much more of a relationship with my father, at least for the time being.
But my family were all expecting me to show up, assuming I would be in some kind of untouchable and fierce state – like an angry bull with a red rag tied to its horns. They'd be right too, as I was in a state where nothing made sense anymore – it was all so surreal. As I pulled my car into the valet parking, I got out and could see my family inside the restaurant out of the corner of my eye. As I turned and faced the window, I felt a smile pull at the corners of my mouth. The image was so familiar, and yet so far from what was now a reality. Mum and Stacie were sat next to each other, and dad was seated on the opposite side, talking to the both of them, mum with a smile on her face and Stacie laughing out loud as her animated expression was clear for everyone to see, which everyone did and took advantage in grabbing their opportunity to stare. I was used to this – constant questions about her and her appearance, questions about her personality and what she was like. Stacie also had had her fair share of queries and questions about me too, but these were of a slightly lesser extent.
I walked into the restaurant, the natural light of the setting sun in the sky providing a natural hue that cast into the restaurant as the door opened. My family looked up at once – Dad being the first and most elated upon seeing my silhouette in the doorway, and judged my direction – heading straight towards the table, where my empty seat next to him remained inescapable and if questioned, would ruin the mood and atmosphere.
I slowed down to a stop before looking at my father pointedly and then towards my mother and sister.
“Glad you came.” Dad said, looking at me and flashing me a short, quick smile.
I gritted my teeth and grunted, nodding slowly, before giving him a stiff smile in order to avoid any hostility on my part, deciding not to cause trouble two minutes into my arrival.
“Let's just get this over with.” I said, keeping my eyes focused on the menu – its inconsequential words passing over my head, sitting down with a small thud.
“Darren... please... look at me.” He said, his voice ringing heavily in my ears. I shifted my downward glance from the menu slowly up to his face.
“What?” I asked, my expression still and empty. He stared at me for a long moment, and I returned his gaze as seconds, and then minutes slowly passed between us.
“Don't do this, don't shut me out.” He said.
I turned away from him and looked at the ground before I could look at him again.
“Don't be such a hypocrite. I won't sit here with you and do this while you churn out some desperate sob story. How could you do this? How could you sit there and lie to my mum, to all of us, for months on end and not even give any of it a second thought?”
“Its not easy for me... all of this has been incredibly hard... I know I've made lots of mistakes but I want to correct them, but I need to know I have your support and that you can trust me to end this. That's all I'm asking.”
“Fine. Explain it to me. Help me understand what was going through your head when you sat there night after night and lied to us? What was it? Protection? Sacrifice?” I said, turning my body towards him and looking at him dead on in the eye.
“Yes – all of those things – and more. The more I did it, the more ashamed I felt. I tried to convince myself everyday that I would stop, that that day would be the last, and then once I stopped, I wouldn't have to tell anybody or bring it up inside my head ever again.”
“Look, I want things to be different – and this time it will be. This is a second chance for our family to really come together and support each other... and to be completely honest. It can still be just like its always been... I really believe I can get through this. I need my family on my side, I can't do this on my own, I need everyone's help... your mum, you, your sister, Tasha, my grandchild....”
“What? I told you... “
“I know, but... Darren please! Are you really going to stop your child growing up without me? Without knowing every person in their family just over one stupid, stupid mistake? Besides, I talked to Tasha....”
“You talked to her?”
“She said we might be able to work something out... if I was serious and I could prove myself, and she agreed.”
“I don't believe this... I was so angry that I started to consider living without you in my life, but I came here and believed we could work this all out... I can't believe you went behind my back!”
“Darren, talking to Tasha is nothing compared to what I'm dealing with... “
“Its nothing to you, but its everything to me. You should have come to me first. I'm the one that said it, what makes you think that Tasha can help you? Nobody can help you until you help yourself. On your own. You shouldn't have to rely on us to rectify your own mistakes.”
“What are you saying?” My father said, his expression cold and stony.
“I don't know... If you need my support.... you have to prove yourself, not just once but over and over again until you come out of this. I know you need somebody – us – to help you. We're the only ones who can. But for your sake, don't let me down, or you really will lose me – you'll lose me, Tash, and your grandchild. I'll make sure of it.”
The truth of the matter was life was just too short to hold a grudge. And much as I hated what he had done, I didn't know if I hated my father. I had shown up, given my support, but things weren't going to snap back to what they had been automatically. My father's further confession about his conversation with Tasha had once again caught me off guard and had thrown me. Somehow although I was pleased that I could find a way to come to terms with this by agreeing to show my support for my father, I couldn't sit around the table, eat food, and pick up where we left of playing happy families. I stared at my father and looked around the table, both at my mother and my sister, flashing them simultaneous smiles before I got up slowly and walked out of the restaurant.
“Bye, Dad. I'm sorry... you have my support...and I hope for your sake, you know what you are doing. But playing happy families is all too much for me right now... sorry.”
As I walked past the table, Stacie grabbed my hand and shook her head, looking at me, her expression as cold and as hard as ice.
I looked over towards my mother as she spoke, looking at me, a careful yet loving look in her eyes. “Baby, that's not what we're doing. I'm just trying to get us all back around to a small semblance of normality. That's it.”
“I can't... this is about as much as I can handle right now... I'm sorry.” I said, grabbing my phone and keys from my pocket, and walked out the restaurant towards the parking area outside.
I opened the car door, slamming it shut behind me as I sat down in the driving seat, my hands tightening around the wheel. I started up the car as the engine roared to life as I made my way down the freeway, trying to clear my mind before I got home. As I switched the gearstick up to fifth and pressed my foot right down against the accelarator, the car still wasn't as fast as I would have liked. I wasn't going to worry or concetrate on anything else now – I would go as far as I wanted, and if the police happened to catch me for speeding, I would deal with that when I needed to, claiming temporary insanity if I had to. I turned off the freeway, not bothering to check whether or not this was the right exit. As I sped down the empty streets filled with bright spotlights getting closer to home, I slowed down to forty, concentrating on my driving skills more than I needed to, as I turned onto the end of my road, pretty sure that the car motor would alert Tasha to hearing me arrive home – safely at least. I cut the engine and listened intently to the quiet – the silence.
As I parked in the small driveway and got out of the car, once again slamming the door heavily and loudly behind me, there was no way for me to hide my intentions as I walked swiftly towards the flat, letting myself through the front door and walking down the hallway towards the bedroom where I automatically started pacing up and down the room, trying to calm myself, even though this was having the exact opposite effect.
My footsteps reverberated around the room, through the open door, and out into the hallway, reminding Tasha that I was now home, and as I paced up and down, back and forth, it wasn't long before I looked up to find her leaning on the doorframe, dressed in a long satin camisole, her long hair in dark, tumbling curls down to her waist, a pensive and sullen expression all over her face.
“How did it go?” She asked, stepping forward into the room as she looked at me, waiting for a reply.
“It was fine. Did you talk to my father?” I asked, wanting an answer, wanting to know what had happened.
“Yeah. I was going to talk to you about that...” She said, coming closer towards me now,her hand on my bicep.
“I'm sorry... I just wanted to help. Anyway I could.” She said, looking at me, a brooding expression on my face.
“I love you, but you have to let me in. If something is bothering you, then I need to know about it.”
A pained expression came over my face. “Why? You shouldn't have to get in the middle of this – of any of it.”
“I'm here for you – I'm always here.- that's what love is. I would tell you if there was something bothering me.”
“Yeah, all the fucking time!” I said, suddenly angry and annoyed.
“What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“This is my business, and you didn't need to get in the middle of it! You should have just stayed out of it and left it alone!”
“So I was just supposed to watch you moan and tear yourself up inside without caring? If you want me to be a part of this family – a part of your family, then you need to open up to me sometimes. Over the past fortnight ever since that night, you've tried so hard to disguise yourself with denial... and it hasn't worked.” I looked at her for a long moment as the minutes passed between us both standing still and silent inside the room.
Tasha shook her head, her hand resting lightly on her hair as she pointed towards the door, tears filling up her eyes silently as she looked at me.
“Darren – if you want to leave, then just go.” She said, directing her gaze towards the bedroom door as I walked out.

*
Stacie Anderson [ Hillside Villas, Gramercy, New York City]

Today would be the first day I would head back into the dance studio without Ben. As I woke up too early on Monday morning, I lay in bed for a couple of minutes absorbing this thought – wondering if my dance career would ever be as close to something special as it had been throughout this past year that I had been working with Ben.
This time last year, I had been offered the chance to star in the biggest dance production to date that had taken place in New York, and I couldn't believe my luck as I was given a prototype of what my rigorous schedule was to look like for the year ahead. The schedule was unbeliveably punishing and rigorous, but worth it when I thought about the fact that I had worked hard and graduated past all the dancers in New York City who were in the exact same position as me, all of us fighting it out silently and competitively at every audition, every casting call, all for this one golden opportunity we all didn't want to pass up.
It had been just over two months since I had found out about the dark secret that my father had been hiding from me – from all of us, and since he had decided to break the news, I had fallen into a pattern of things which I needed to drastically reassess. I had tried to rebuild things with my father, my parents, and tried to console Darren, as he was still coming to terms with the news and struggling to show his support, his most recent thinking was that he thought it was better to stay away completely until things had returned to normal rather than force the situation to be weird and awkward between everybody, resulting in things being what they shoudn't be. Between my dual role in all of this, I still couldn't and didn't want to find the time to sit down and work out how I really felt about everything that had happened, scared and nervous of taking too many steps back and the possibility of recognising something which I didn't want to acknowledge. To avoid this, I had thrown myself back into dancing as much as possible, every new day in the studio bringing me a little bit more therapy and small relief from the bigger picture of all the chaos and anarchy that was going on with my family life.
This hadn't gone unnoticed by Winona, and when she came to check on me in our flat after just having returned home from work last night, I took the opportunity to apologise to her for not spending time with my best friend. I tried to explain the situation, as I had kept all of it pretty close to my heart and kept her out of the loop, so she had no idea how much this was all affecting me, thinking that I could get through it on my own and we could go back to the way we had always been. I explained about my father, my mother, the cocaine, the fact that I was trying to rebuild bridges, and that I recently had to be on high alert following Darren's uncomprehension about the entire nightmare.
As we sat opposite each other around the open plan living room table, Win reached across the table and held my hand, stroking my palm gently and smiling at me, before she winked and gave me a cheeky grin.
“Don't get upset about all of this – things have a way of working themselves out. You've chosen to be there for your family over the past fortnight, and that's OK – they need you, just like I know you need them. “
“I'm so sorry, Win. I just haven't handled this very well at all. I thought I could get through all of this by myself, that I could deal with it and things could go back to normal. Things have been so screwed up – Darren's inconsolable, Gail's reached breaking point, and Simon's drawn in and pensive over what to do now, so my life hasn't been great when my family's in a complete mess. But in hindsight, my unhappiness increased because things with you were different – we weren't us. I'm sorry.” I said, looking at her and hoping she would understand where I was coming from.
“Don't stress, baby. You're my best friend, one of the most important people in my world – you didn't think I'd give up on you that easy did you?”
I moved my body uncomfortably around in my bed, before I gave up and got out of bed completely. I walked out of the door and into the kitchen, bleary eyed and tired after sleeping erratically, to find Win out of bed, ready and dressed for work, a cup of coffee in her hand and a smile as she turned and said good morning.
“I made you some tea.” She said, as I walked past her and jumped up onto the ceramic breakfast bar, taking the ceramic mug out of her hands and sipping the strong black coffee gently, forcing myself to wake up and try to come to terms with what I had to do today.
“Well, I'm not sure what your day's going to be like, but whatever it is, good luck, I know you're going to be great, and I have absolute complete faith in you, so don't panic.” She said, winking at me again as she finished the last dregs out of her mug, grabbing her bag up from off the floor beside her, before saying goodbye and stroking our cat, Jella, under the ears as she walked out of the door.
“Oh, and by the way, I don't know who you're dealing with as Ben's replacement, but I do feel slightly sorry for him, you've got that angsty look in your eye!!” Win said, peeping back around the door and chuckling to herself loudly as she had the infectious laugh of a four year old toddler.
I laughed. “Very funny. First Darren, now you. Will you get out of here, please before I turn against you, too?”

*