Stacie Anderson, [Hillside Villas, Manhattan, New York City, NY]
My nightmare continues to haunt me, and won't allow me to rest. It screams through everything to get to me, allowing my mind to conjure up feelings of shock, anger, and pain. I open my eyes slowly, disorientated to find that I am in a long hallway with no sign of anyone near or close around me. I don't know how long I've been here, but my legs have gone numb and I'm slumped in a small heap propped up against a large white door. I close my eyes and sigh deeply, before I open them again suddenly as the combined smells of cigarette smoke, vomit, and alcohol fill the air all around me. I stiffen and straighten up, willing my limbs to move so I can get away from here and try to find out where I am. I look down in horror to find a small trail of vomit on my hem as well as several cigarette burns that are dotted all over the pleats of my 1920s flapper dress, ruining it completely. I'm all too aware of the fact that my head feels ready to explode, constantly throbbing , my mind refusing to slow down and stop, and endless streams of thoughts that run to nowhere continue to whirl around inside my head. I feel a constant ache in both of my arms, and I look up to see one arm draped around a doorknob, and the other arm cradling a half empty, large bottle of whisky. I shift my body weight slightly, forcing my legs to stretch and putting all my body weight on them, praying that they won't buckle and I won't collapse and fall over.
I stand up slowly, grateful for the fact that there isn't a mirror where I can see what my reflection looks like. I look around and look down the hall. I can't believe I've allowed myself to get like this - to this place. There are doors running alongside both sides of the corridor, until slowly but surely, as I look at the door numbers, and register the white doors, I realise with sweet relief that this is all too familiar to me. I start to rummage in my clutch bag which I have miraculously managed to keep with me, although it's proving a difficult task to find anything in it.
All of a sudden, I hear a small noise from inside and the door in front of me opens, and I'm grateful and relieved to find Winona standing in front of me, giving me a soft, sympathetic smile.
Although I'm happy to see her, that smile is too much for me to handle, the soft sympathetic smile that translates as she knows only too well what has already happened. I can't bring myself to smile back at her, and avert my eyes towards the bottle in my hand. This is what I had needed last night, I had needed to forget, to force my mind to become hazy, blurry, carefree - I looked up at Winona again to see her still smiling, her eyes telling me that she was here for me. My mind started to race, thoughts and memories coming back to haunt me as my tears ran down my cheeks again, blinding me as I tried to blink them back furiously. I wanted my tears to stop, I needed them to stop, I wanted to know that somehow I was stronger than this, that I could get through this and move on. But right now I couldn't, I couldn't get past the pain, and my head and my heart continued to throb, my body feeling like lead as I fell into Winona's arms as she wrapped her arms around me. This was too much for me, shock, hurt, and upset consumed me as I let go of the bottle i was holding, watching as it fell to the ground and letting it smash into a million tiny pieces, the maple coloured liquid now staining the carpet all around the shattered glass. Winona remained indifferent to this, her arms still wrapped around me tightly as she guided me into the flat.
I stand up slowly, grateful for the fact that there isn't a mirror where I can see what my reflection looks like. I look around and look down the hall. I can't believe I've allowed myself to get like this - to this place. There are doors running alongside both sides of the corridor, until slowly but surely, as I look at the door numbers, and register the white doors, I realise with sweet relief that this is all too familiar to me. I start to rummage in my clutch bag which I have miraculously managed to keep with me, although it's proving a difficult task to find anything in it.
All of a sudden, I hear a small noise from inside and the door in front of me opens, and I'm grateful and relieved to find Winona standing in front of me, giving me a soft, sympathetic smile.
Although I'm happy to see her, that smile is too much for me to handle, the soft sympathetic smile that translates as she knows only too well what has already happened. I can't bring myself to smile back at her, and avert my eyes towards the bottle in my hand. This is what I had needed last night, I had needed to forget, to force my mind to become hazy, blurry, carefree - I looked up at Winona again to see her still smiling, her eyes telling me that she was here for me. My mind started to race, thoughts and memories coming back to haunt me as my tears ran down my cheeks again, blinding me as I tried to blink them back furiously. I wanted my tears to stop, I needed them to stop, I wanted to know that somehow I was stronger than this, that I could get through this and move on. But right now I couldn't, I couldn't get past the pain, and my head and my heart continued to throb, my body feeling like lead as I fell into Winona's arms as she wrapped her arms around me. This was too much for me, shock, hurt, and upset consumed me as I let go of the bottle i was holding, watching as it fell to the ground and letting it smash into a million tiny pieces, the maple coloured liquid now staining the carpet all around the shattered glass. Winona remained indifferent to this, her arms still wrapped around me tightly as she guided me into the flat.
*
It's the evening after my birthday. A perfect summer evening. I look towards the window, and see the sun start to set in front of me, but my eyes dimly flicker in the warm natural light that shines through the room, barely taking it in before I turn my eyes away from it and look back at the television screen.
My eyes are tired, and heavy as I sit curled up on the sofa watching the TV in front of me. I don't know what channel i'm watching, what television show is on, or even aware of how long I've been sitting here.
I slowly get up from the sofa and walk into the kitchen, focusing on small things at a time and not allowing my mind to wander. My mouth feels dry as I close my eyes slowly and try to focus on something else, and I turn around and open the fridge to get a bottle of water.
I turn around to see Winona standing against the breakfast bar in the kitchen, leaning back against the wooden worktop, her arms folded across her chest and looking at me intently until my eyes shift, and I distract myself from her gaze by sipping from the water bottle in my hand.
Winona hasn't left my side for 24 hours, not knowing what would happen to me if she did - thinking I had become a possible danger to myself, and scared something bad was going to happen, and this time, that however much she wanted to, she simply wouldn't be able to save me.
Winona was wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms, with a short tank top on, tied at the bottom in a knot which exposed the lower part of her stomach. Over the top of this she wore an oversized white shirt, and having seen it several times before lying around the apartment, I knew that it was a recent addition to her wardrobe, belonging to her latest boyfriend, Adam. My eyes now averted to the shirt, reminding me so much of Daniel's many, many white shirts hanging in his wardrobe - ones that I would curl up in when in bed lying next to him, and when he wasn't there, I would sleep in his shirt and smell the scents of his aftershave as well as his natural smell, and memories of us together would come flooding back to me, until I wished he was here to take it off again. My eyes stayed locked on Winona's shirt until I realised that things were different. Daniel had become a different person to me now, a complete stranger who had women teasing him out of his clothes, seducing him, manipulating him, making sure he lived up to his media reputation in every possible way. There could be no hope for us now, no chance for new beginnings or blind faith in believing he would change, that he could change.
"Stacie." A voice said as I looked up to find Winona looking at me, a creased expression on her forehead, her tone warm and empathetic. Minutes passed between us, and as she continued to look at me, a sullen expression on her face, I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say.
"What? What do you want me to say?" I said, my voice rising, as my defenses were up.
"You don't have to say anything... not if you don't want to."
"OK."
"Should we watch a movie - get you out of the house? Maybe we could go for a drink after... if its not too much...."
"No... I... its too much... my body just can't process alcohol right now... but the movie sounds good."I said, looking at her and giving her a smile. Winona smiles right back at me and winks.
"I was just making some chicken... I'm starving, and I've made enough for two."
"Sounds good - I am a bit hungry. I don't think I've eaten... for a while."
"At least for 2 days."
Winona raises her eyebrows, and laughs, turning her back slightly away from me as she bends down to get the chicken out of the oven. She puts it on the stove to cool off as the smell of freshly baked chicken starts to creep throughout the room.
I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath, knowing things will be better - that things turn out for the best. I always knew what the stakes were when I was considering being romantically involved with Daniel and if I had ignored my stupid, unknowing heart and thought with my head instead, overcoming my overwhelming desire, I could have avoided this whole situation. Now, I could finally move on from him, and be free to move on with my life, without any further ties whatsoever, as there had been nothing left to say. What had once nourished me had managed to destroy me all in one evening.
All of a sudden the smell of chicken had become overwhelming to me, and a sense of nausea started to form in the pit of my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom where I vomited violently, coming back into the kitchen with a disorientated look on my face.
"Stace - are you OK - what just happened?"
"I just threw up." I said, reaching for the bottle of water and drinking it slowly.
"It's probably just the alcohol... you drank a lot last night... it's probably still in your system, especially as you didn't eat anything." Winona said, turning her back again to attend to the chicken behind her.
My expression started to crease as I ran through things again. Win was probably right - I didn't even know how bad I was myself, or how much I had managed to drink, so no wonder my body couldn't handle it.
"So... do you still want some of this chicken?" Win asked, looking at me for a second and raising her eyebrows.
"No... I can't....I don't think I can eat any of it... maybe I'll just fry some eggs." I said, turning away from her and getting a saucepan out of the cupboard.
"I'll do them for you Stace... relax. Do you want salsa with your eggs?" asked Winona as she busied herself with her new task.
"Yes... thanks." I said, going back to the sofa and wrapping myself in my blanket. This hangover was starting to have more of an effect on me than I realised.
Win finally brings me over my eggs, alongside her chicken and salad as she sits next to me on the sofa, and starts to eat, watching the TV intently.
I play with a forkful of eggs, suddenly feeling exhausted and tired. I finally force myself to eat a few bites, knowing that I will need some kind of food in my body to help me combat this nausea.
Winona looked at me without comment, and I could see that she didn't want to upset or question me any further, but I knew that she still wanted to ask me a thousand questions - but I just couldn't bring myself to face any of it. I still needed to find a form of escapism - that wasn't harmful - from all of this, and the TV was barely managing to hold my attention. A part of me wanted to sit here and talk it all out, to lay curled up in the sofa for hours and try to come to some kind of solution with my best friend - but this would only make things worse, bring more questions, more doubts, more heartache.
I finally finish the plate of eggs, as I curl back under the blanket and continue to watch the TV. Images blur past my eyes, I'm only vaguely aware of the noise in the background.
I take a deep breath and look up at Winona - she's staring at the TV, but I know she's been sneaking looks at me every few minutes to check if I'm OK - if my mood's OK.
Suddenly a sense of nausea starts to rise in my stomach again - I rush to the toilet where I vomit over and over again into the toilet - until it feels like there aren't any bodily fluids left inside of me to regurgitate.
I'm still positioned precariously over the toilet seat when I hear a sharp knock on the door and the sound of Win's voice.
"Stace... what's going on? I'm coming in." She says, before the door opens and she walks in, crouching down on the floor beside me as I continue to hurl into the toilet as Win leans over to brush the loose hair away from my face.
"I think there was something wrong with the eggs." I say, looking at her, the first time I've managed to crack a small smile at her for hours.
"I don't know.... I'm pretty sure the eggs were fine... I only brought them yesterday... its probably your body trying to get rid of the last bit of alcohol."
"Yeah...." I trailed off.
"Stacie... are you sure everything's really OK? I mean, I know they're not OK... but you seem distant and pre-occupied."
"My boyfriend just cheated on me with his infatuated assistant. Of course I'm not OK." I snapped.
As I leaned over the toilet seat again as my body continued to purge itself, my mind started to race, and the room started to spin as I felt dizzy and reached out to Win, grabbing her arm suddenly.
"Win.... what's the date today?"
Winona looked puzzled, and gave me a look as to say "Where did that come from?" "I don't know, the 12th?"
I got up from the floor, not bothering to check my appearance or anything, for all I knew I could have looked like a walking mess.
I ran out of the bathroom, straight towards my bedroom where I grabbed my diary on the top of my dresser.
I flicked the pages frantically to this month, before backtracking pages until I got to the month before, dates and events flashing through my head randomly.
Winona appeared at my door, her back pressing against my door frame, her arms folded, and chewing on her lip anxiously.
"I'm late... I'm never late... ever."
"Don't overreact here Stace. That's understandable... you've been unbelievably stressed, what with dancing, and Daniel, and now all of this. Since it all happened, you've barely eaten anything, just about four peanuts and a banana over the last few days... oh, and some eggs!"
"But it all makes sense... my mood swings have been up and down - with you, with Daniel - my whole body aches, and I've been feeling weak and exhausted for days... "
"You can't really be sure about this... you and Daniel haven't been dating for that long...you were careful, right?"
"Of course... I mean... I think so...."
"You THINK?"
"There were a few times when we didn't use condoms, but I was on the pill... and I guess, I was so stressed with dancing, that I forgot to take it... it happens, right?"
"We need to get you a pregnancy test... you need to be sure..."
I ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head as I did so. "I don't think there's much point. I know I'm already pregnant. I can tell. I can feel it."
Winona looked at me - a look of shock and dismay on her face. She didn't say one word. She turned away from me and walked out of the bathroom calmly and slowly. I heard the front door open and close as I realised I was suddenly alone in the flat. I couldn't move - I didn't want to move an inch until I had to - if I moved now, If I left this bathroom, I would have to deal with this. My mind would have to face up to the fact that a baby was growing inside of me. An hour later, and Winona had returned, and two little blue bars on a white stick had confirmed that my life was about to change forever.
My eyes are tired, and heavy as I sit curled up on the sofa watching the TV in front of me. I don't know what channel i'm watching, what television show is on, or even aware of how long I've been sitting here.
I slowly get up from the sofa and walk into the kitchen, focusing on small things at a time and not allowing my mind to wander. My mouth feels dry as I close my eyes slowly and try to focus on something else, and I turn around and open the fridge to get a bottle of water.
I turn around to see Winona standing against the breakfast bar in the kitchen, leaning back against the wooden worktop, her arms folded across her chest and looking at me intently until my eyes shift, and I distract myself from her gaze by sipping from the water bottle in my hand.
Winona hasn't left my side for 24 hours, not knowing what would happen to me if she did - thinking I had become a possible danger to myself, and scared something bad was going to happen, and this time, that however much she wanted to, she simply wouldn't be able to save me.
Winona was wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms, with a short tank top on, tied at the bottom in a knot which exposed the lower part of her stomach. Over the top of this she wore an oversized white shirt, and having seen it several times before lying around the apartment, I knew that it was a recent addition to her wardrobe, belonging to her latest boyfriend, Adam. My eyes now averted to the shirt, reminding me so much of Daniel's many, many white shirts hanging in his wardrobe - ones that I would curl up in when in bed lying next to him, and when he wasn't there, I would sleep in his shirt and smell the scents of his aftershave as well as his natural smell, and memories of us together would come flooding back to me, until I wished he was here to take it off again. My eyes stayed locked on Winona's shirt until I realised that things were different. Daniel had become a different person to me now, a complete stranger who had women teasing him out of his clothes, seducing him, manipulating him, making sure he lived up to his media reputation in every possible way. There could be no hope for us now, no chance for new beginnings or blind faith in believing he would change, that he could change.
"Stacie." A voice said as I looked up to find Winona looking at me, a creased expression on her forehead, her tone warm and empathetic. Minutes passed between us, and as she continued to look at me, a sullen expression on her face, I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say.
"What? What do you want me to say?" I said, my voice rising, as my defenses were up.
"You don't have to say anything... not if you don't want to."
"OK."
"Should we watch a movie - get you out of the house? Maybe we could go for a drink after... if its not too much...."
"No... I... its too much... my body just can't process alcohol right now... but the movie sounds good."I said, looking at her and giving her a smile. Winona smiles right back at me and winks.
"I was just making some chicken... I'm starving, and I've made enough for two."
"Sounds good - I am a bit hungry. I don't think I've eaten... for a while."
"At least for 2 days."
Winona raises her eyebrows, and laughs, turning her back slightly away from me as she bends down to get the chicken out of the oven. She puts it on the stove to cool off as the smell of freshly baked chicken starts to creep throughout the room.
I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath, knowing things will be better - that things turn out for the best. I always knew what the stakes were when I was considering being romantically involved with Daniel and if I had ignored my stupid, unknowing heart and thought with my head instead, overcoming my overwhelming desire, I could have avoided this whole situation. Now, I could finally move on from him, and be free to move on with my life, without any further ties whatsoever, as there had been nothing left to say. What had once nourished me had managed to destroy me all in one evening.
All of a sudden the smell of chicken had become overwhelming to me, and a sense of nausea started to form in the pit of my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom where I vomited violently, coming back into the kitchen with a disorientated look on my face.
"Stace - are you OK - what just happened?"
"I just threw up." I said, reaching for the bottle of water and drinking it slowly.
"It's probably just the alcohol... you drank a lot last night... it's probably still in your system, especially as you didn't eat anything." Winona said, turning her back again to attend to the chicken behind her.
My expression started to crease as I ran through things again. Win was probably right - I didn't even know how bad I was myself, or how much I had managed to drink, so no wonder my body couldn't handle it.
"So... do you still want some of this chicken?" Win asked, looking at me for a second and raising her eyebrows.
"No... I can't....I don't think I can eat any of it... maybe I'll just fry some eggs." I said, turning away from her and getting a saucepan out of the cupboard.
"I'll do them for you Stace... relax. Do you want salsa with your eggs?" asked Winona as she busied herself with her new task.
"Yes... thanks." I said, going back to the sofa and wrapping myself in my blanket. This hangover was starting to have more of an effect on me than I realised.
Win finally brings me over my eggs, alongside her chicken and salad as she sits next to me on the sofa, and starts to eat, watching the TV intently.
I play with a forkful of eggs, suddenly feeling exhausted and tired. I finally force myself to eat a few bites, knowing that I will need some kind of food in my body to help me combat this nausea.
Winona looked at me without comment, and I could see that she didn't want to upset or question me any further, but I knew that she still wanted to ask me a thousand questions - but I just couldn't bring myself to face any of it. I still needed to find a form of escapism - that wasn't harmful - from all of this, and the TV was barely managing to hold my attention. A part of me wanted to sit here and talk it all out, to lay curled up in the sofa for hours and try to come to some kind of solution with my best friend - but this would only make things worse, bring more questions, more doubts, more heartache.
I finally finish the plate of eggs, as I curl back under the blanket and continue to watch the TV. Images blur past my eyes, I'm only vaguely aware of the noise in the background.
I take a deep breath and look up at Winona - she's staring at the TV, but I know she's been sneaking looks at me every few minutes to check if I'm OK - if my mood's OK.
Suddenly a sense of nausea starts to rise in my stomach again - I rush to the toilet where I vomit over and over again into the toilet - until it feels like there aren't any bodily fluids left inside of me to regurgitate.
I'm still positioned precariously over the toilet seat when I hear a sharp knock on the door and the sound of Win's voice.
"Stace... what's going on? I'm coming in." She says, before the door opens and she walks in, crouching down on the floor beside me as I continue to hurl into the toilet as Win leans over to brush the loose hair away from my face.
"I think there was something wrong with the eggs." I say, looking at her, the first time I've managed to crack a small smile at her for hours.
"I don't know.... I'm pretty sure the eggs were fine... I only brought them yesterday... its probably your body trying to get rid of the last bit of alcohol."
"Yeah...." I trailed off.
"Stacie... are you sure everything's really OK? I mean, I know they're not OK... but you seem distant and pre-occupied."
"My boyfriend just cheated on me with his infatuated assistant. Of course I'm not OK." I snapped.
As I leaned over the toilet seat again as my body continued to purge itself, my mind started to race, and the room started to spin as I felt dizzy and reached out to Win, grabbing her arm suddenly.
"Win.... what's the date today?"
Winona looked puzzled, and gave me a look as to say "Where did that come from?" "I don't know, the 12th?"
I got up from the floor, not bothering to check my appearance or anything, for all I knew I could have looked like a walking mess.
I ran out of the bathroom, straight towards my bedroom where I grabbed my diary on the top of my dresser.
I flicked the pages frantically to this month, before backtracking pages until I got to the month before, dates and events flashing through my head randomly.
Winona appeared at my door, her back pressing against my door frame, her arms folded, and chewing on her lip anxiously.
"I'm late... I'm never late... ever."
"Don't overreact here Stace. That's understandable... you've been unbelievably stressed, what with dancing, and Daniel, and now all of this. Since it all happened, you've barely eaten anything, just about four peanuts and a banana over the last few days... oh, and some eggs!"
"But it all makes sense... my mood swings have been up and down - with you, with Daniel - my whole body aches, and I've been feeling weak and exhausted for days... "
"You can't really be sure about this... you and Daniel haven't been dating for that long...you were careful, right?"
"Of course... I mean... I think so...."
"You THINK?"
"There were a few times when we didn't use condoms, but I was on the pill... and I guess, I was so stressed with dancing, that I forgot to take it... it happens, right?"
"We need to get you a pregnancy test... you need to be sure..."
I ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head as I did so. "I don't think there's much point. I know I'm already pregnant. I can tell. I can feel it."
Winona looked at me - a look of shock and dismay on her face. She didn't say one word. She turned away from me and walked out of the bathroom calmly and slowly. I heard the front door open and close as I realised I was suddenly alone in the flat. I couldn't move - I didn't want to move an inch until I had to - if I moved now, If I left this bathroom, I would have to deal with this. My mind would have to face up to the fact that a baby was growing inside of me. An hour later, and Winona had returned, and two little blue bars on a white stick had confirmed that my life was about to change forever.
*
Autumn changed everything. It had been just over a week since I had found out that I was carrying a child inside of me - a child which had the power to change everything - everything I had ever known - for better, or for worse. For most people, like my brother and his soon to be wife, a baby enriches their lives for the better - bringing them closer together, teaching them to appreciate the finer things in life, to cherish the moments and experiences filled with love and joy that manage to bring them true happiness, in the purest sense of the word.
For me, in a matter of months, things had changed. I looked out the window and thought about how much I loved to walk around and look at the trees and their beautiful greenery, to see every shade of green through every single leaf, their rich colours and their different patterns, minute yet ornate in the way every leaf was different, original in its working. I looked out the window now and surveyed the bare trees, leaving them vulnerable and open to the natural elements all around. I had walked around outside as I had trudged through the mountains of russet coloured leaves on the ground, each one combining colours of gold, burnt terracota, brown, and a deep magnolia. I averted my eyes away from the window and lay completely still, flat on my back and lying peacefully on my bed, trying to stop my thoughts from taking control completely. The only thing I had wanted to do was find some form of peace - away from Daniel - and now, it seemed like I couldn't escape him even if I wanted to, not whilst I had something that was a part of him growing inside of me.
I turn over and lie sideways, my face towards my bedroom door as I lay back, mountains of pillows propped up above my head. My bedroom door is slightly ajar- even though I need to be alone, it comforts me to know I'm not completely alone, with nothing but my own thoughts to distract me as I lay here. I can hear Win busying herself in the kitchen, the faint sounds of Miles Davis on the radio distract me for a few minutes - the sounds, voices and melodies resonating in my head. The combined smells of cinnamon and honey waft their way up towards my bedroom, and almost immediately, I can tell that this is one of Win's foils to get me up and out of bed, as she knows that it is one of my favourite smells to wake up to in the morning. The smell is faint, but gets stronger as it finally finds its way into my room. Suddenly an all too familiar sense of nausea attacks my stomach again, and once again, I'm up and out of bed vomiting into the toilet, my body shuddering and shaking in waves of pain and nausea as I continue to be sick, my stomach throbbing constantly.
After what seems to be at least ten minutes of locking myself away in the bathroom, I'm suddenly aware as I open the door and step back into my bedroom that Win's busy home making noises downstairs have come to a sudden standstill. Its completely quiet, and I lean outside the door where I can faintly hear a string of muffled mutterings and quiet, yet raised whispers.
I pull my loose hair back from around my face, and make my way downstairs, confused yet curious as to what I will find downstairs. As I make my way down towards the last step, I look towards the kitchen, where I see Winona talking to a woman with long dark hair, with her back to me.
As the stranger carries on talking to Win, she suddenly raises her head briefly and sees me walking down the stairs. She averts her eyes immediately and a look of immense guilt sweeps over her face as she looks at the curious look in my eye. The stranger turns around to look at me, and my heart skips a beat as the person I least expect to see is sitting down before me, a warm smile on her face as if we're old long lost friends.
I walk around slowly towards the kitchen, my face like stone, and rub my stomach uncomfortably. I walk around Winona who tries to grab the back of my hand for support as I walk towards the fridge, but I pull away from her as a look of betrayal flashes across my face.
I open the fridge door, and grab a bottle of water and some orange juice. My eyes flicker around the contents of the fridge as I try to work out what I want - what the differences are between what my body now needs and what my body craves.
I run my hands through my hair, and start to pull out bread, cheese, turkey, pickles, and pastrami. I put the products on the table quickly and start to make a sandwich, slapping various pieces of meat on a slice of bread without thinking, not even concentrating on the task in hand, my eyes now empty and transparent, were completely focused on the fact that Sonja was sitting at my breakfast bar, talking to my best friend like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.
Sonja Stone looked a picture of health and radiance as she sat across from me, as opposed to my fatigued, tired, and exhausted look. My skin was clammy and pallid, whilst hers shone with a glow that seemed to effervesce all over her entire face. She had put on weight, her clothes hugging her tighter than usual, but nevertheless she seemed put together, whilst I was a walking wreck. She must have revelled in the fact that she was on top again, that she had successfully managed to make all of this happen, and that after so many years, her boss had been able to see her in her true colours, and had finally fallen for her, in exactly the way she had wanted him to.
I looked at Sonja, taking every part of her in, and registering it with a fierce, angry look over my face. I was still livid, and each second I looked at her, my heart started to ache all over again in places I didn't even know existed, causing my emotional scars to open and bleed all over again.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, looking at her up and down. She was terrified - that much was clear, her eyes wanting to resonate with mine, looking into them intently to see if she could read or detect any signs of empathy or forgiveness within them, and I was only too glad to reassure her with every minute of silence passed that there wasn't, and that there wasn't ever going to be, not for all her atonement in the world.
"I wanted to explain.... We never wanted to hurt you, it was just something that happened...."
I laughed at her pathetic justification, a look of dismay on my face, not able to believe her audacity.
"It was something that happened... you engineered it to happen... you wanted it to happen, right?"
Sonja looked at me, a deep look in her eye, one that told me that there was no need for her to hide behind a disguise any longer.
"Yes... I'm in love with him... very much so." She replied, looking at me.
I took a bite of my sandwich, stalling for time. I was so incensed that my mind was a complete blur, becoming increasingly frustrated as words were simply not good enough to possibly describe how I felt, the very depth of each and every single feeling of what I was going through.
"Congratulations."
Winona had kept her eyes on the both of us, going back and forth as if it was a riveting tennis match not to be missed, at any cost. Suddenly she became aware of this and excused herself hastily, but I knew that whatever happened, she wouldn't be far away from me.
"You need to leave..." I continued. "I don't ever want to see you again." I said, as I averted my eyes to take another bite of my sandwich, before carrying the plate with me as I started to walk around the breakfast bar, making my way towards the doorway. As I walked around Sonja, she suddenly grabbed my arm, holding me in place as I looked down to see her hand wrapped around my arm, before I finally looked up at her and greeted her gaze, full of dislike, as she let go suddenly and I started to move quickly away from her all over again.
"Look.... I wanted to say none of that matters... how I feel... Daniel doesn't want me... he never did. Not in the way he wants you, the way he loves you. More than any other woman I've known him to be with... and..." She trails off, before she looks at me again, her eyes focusing on my face again, intently and unblinking. I avert my eyes and take another bite of my sandwich before I put it back down on the table. She stares at the sandwich for a long time, surveying the layers of meat, the way I had been eating continuously right in front of her, as her mind was starting to piece together all the information, to come to the very conclusion that I hated to know that would be exposed.
"You're not.... are you?" She stared at me in disbelief, a look of complete shock and horror on her face as she waited impatiently for my reply.
I looked at her, straight in the eye, with a look of nonchalance and indifference carefully masked on my face, my eyes unblinking.
"As I said... you need to leave. Now." I said, continuing to look at her, as she shook her head and smiled, staring directly at my stomach, trying to see if she could locate a small sign of a growing bump before she let out a small sardonic laugh, and turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen, her heels resonating all throughout the hallway until I heard the door finally slam shut behind her, before I breathed out deeply and managed to exhale.
For me, in a matter of months, things had changed. I looked out the window and thought about how much I loved to walk around and look at the trees and their beautiful greenery, to see every shade of green through every single leaf, their rich colours and their different patterns, minute yet ornate in the way every leaf was different, original in its working. I looked out the window now and surveyed the bare trees, leaving them vulnerable and open to the natural elements all around. I had walked around outside as I had trudged through the mountains of russet coloured leaves on the ground, each one combining colours of gold, burnt terracota, brown, and a deep magnolia. I averted my eyes away from the window and lay completely still, flat on my back and lying peacefully on my bed, trying to stop my thoughts from taking control completely. The only thing I had wanted to do was find some form of peace - away from Daniel - and now, it seemed like I couldn't escape him even if I wanted to, not whilst I had something that was a part of him growing inside of me.
I turn over and lie sideways, my face towards my bedroom door as I lay back, mountains of pillows propped up above my head. My bedroom door is slightly ajar- even though I need to be alone, it comforts me to know I'm not completely alone, with nothing but my own thoughts to distract me as I lay here. I can hear Win busying herself in the kitchen, the faint sounds of Miles Davis on the radio distract me for a few minutes - the sounds, voices and melodies resonating in my head. The combined smells of cinnamon and honey waft their way up towards my bedroom, and almost immediately, I can tell that this is one of Win's foils to get me up and out of bed, as she knows that it is one of my favourite smells to wake up to in the morning. The smell is faint, but gets stronger as it finally finds its way into my room. Suddenly an all too familiar sense of nausea attacks my stomach again, and once again, I'm up and out of bed vomiting into the toilet, my body shuddering and shaking in waves of pain and nausea as I continue to be sick, my stomach throbbing constantly.
After what seems to be at least ten minutes of locking myself away in the bathroom, I'm suddenly aware as I open the door and step back into my bedroom that Win's busy home making noises downstairs have come to a sudden standstill. Its completely quiet, and I lean outside the door where I can faintly hear a string of muffled mutterings and quiet, yet raised whispers.
I pull my loose hair back from around my face, and make my way downstairs, confused yet curious as to what I will find downstairs. As I make my way down towards the last step, I look towards the kitchen, where I see Winona talking to a woman with long dark hair, with her back to me.
As the stranger carries on talking to Win, she suddenly raises her head briefly and sees me walking down the stairs. She averts her eyes immediately and a look of immense guilt sweeps over her face as she looks at the curious look in my eye. The stranger turns around to look at me, and my heart skips a beat as the person I least expect to see is sitting down before me, a warm smile on her face as if we're old long lost friends.
I walk around slowly towards the kitchen, my face like stone, and rub my stomach uncomfortably. I walk around Winona who tries to grab the back of my hand for support as I walk towards the fridge, but I pull away from her as a look of betrayal flashes across my face.
I open the fridge door, and grab a bottle of water and some orange juice. My eyes flicker around the contents of the fridge as I try to work out what I want - what the differences are between what my body now needs and what my body craves.
I run my hands through my hair, and start to pull out bread, cheese, turkey, pickles, and pastrami. I put the products on the table quickly and start to make a sandwich, slapping various pieces of meat on a slice of bread without thinking, not even concentrating on the task in hand, my eyes now empty and transparent, were completely focused on the fact that Sonja was sitting at my breakfast bar, talking to my best friend like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.
Sonja Stone looked a picture of health and radiance as she sat across from me, as opposed to my fatigued, tired, and exhausted look. My skin was clammy and pallid, whilst hers shone with a glow that seemed to effervesce all over her entire face. She had put on weight, her clothes hugging her tighter than usual, but nevertheless she seemed put together, whilst I was a walking wreck. She must have revelled in the fact that she was on top again, that she had successfully managed to make all of this happen, and that after so many years, her boss had been able to see her in her true colours, and had finally fallen for her, in exactly the way she had wanted him to.
I looked at Sonja, taking every part of her in, and registering it with a fierce, angry look over my face. I was still livid, and each second I looked at her, my heart started to ache all over again in places I didn't even know existed, causing my emotional scars to open and bleed all over again.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, looking at her up and down. She was terrified - that much was clear, her eyes wanting to resonate with mine, looking into them intently to see if she could read or detect any signs of empathy or forgiveness within them, and I was only too glad to reassure her with every minute of silence passed that there wasn't, and that there wasn't ever going to be, not for all her atonement in the world.
"I wanted to explain.... We never wanted to hurt you, it was just something that happened...."
I laughed at her pathetic justification, a look of dismay on my face, not able to believe her audacity.
"It was something that happened... you engineered it to happen... you wanted it to happen, right?"
Sonja looked at me, a deep look in her eye, one that told me that there was no need for her to hide behind a disguise any longer.
"Yes... I'm in love with him... very much so." She replied, looking at me.
I took a bite of my sandwich, stalling for time. I was so incensed that my mind was a complete blur, becoming increasingly frustrated as words were simply not good enough to possibly describe how I felt, the very depth of each and every single feeling of what I was going through.
"Congratulations."
Winona had kept her eyes on the both of us, going back and forth as if it was a riveting tennis match not to be missed, at any cost. Suddenly she became aware of this and excused herself hastily, but I knew that whatever happened, she wouldn't be far away from me.
"You need to leave..." I continued. "I don't ever want to see you again." I said, as I averted my eyes to take another bite of my sandwich, before carrying the plate with me as I started to walk around the breakfast bar, making my way towards the doorway. As I walked around Sonja, she suddenly grabbed my arm, holding me in place as I looked down to see her hand wrapped around my arm, before I finally looked up at her and greeted her gaze, full of dislike, as she let go suddenly and I started to move quickly away from her all over again.
"Look.... I wanted to say none of that matters... how I feel... Daniel doesn't want me... he never did. Not in the way he wants you, the way he loves you. More than any other woman I've known him to be with... and..." She trails off, before she looks at me again, her eyes focusing on my face again, intently and unblinking. I avert my eyes and take another bite of my sandwich before I put it back down on the table. She stares at the sandwich for a long time, surveying the layers of meat, the way I had been eating continuously right in front of her, as her mind was starting to piece together all the information, to come to the very conclusion that I hated to know that would be exposed.
"You're not.... are you?" She stared at me in disbelief, a look of complete shock and horror on her face as she waited impatiently for my reply.
I looked at her, straight in the eye, with a look of nonchalance and indifference carefully masked on my face, my eyes unblinking.
"As I said... you need to leave. Now." I said, continuing to look at her, as she shook her head and smiled, staring directly at my stomach, trying to see if she could locate a small sign of a growing bump before she let out a small sardonic laugh, and turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen, her heels resonating all throughout the hallway until I heard the door finally slam shut behind her, before I breathed out deeply and managed to exhale.
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