I looked up slowly. "I'd like some more nothing." I said, without any emotion in my voice and held my glass out expectantly, waiting for it to be refilled as I stared down at the carpet beneath me. Jude looked at me, and filled my glass up again with vodka, before quietly putting the half empty bottle back down on the floor between us, my legs crossed underneath me. Jude sat quietly, waiting for me to speak as the atmosphere filled with silence.
"I should have known all along.... it was all just too good to be true."
"Have you had any contact with him since? Has he tried to phone you, give you some clue as to why..." Jude started to babble to make up for the overwhelming silence but soon trailed off as I looked up from under my lashes and gave him a cold, blank stare.
"You're his best friend, Jude. If he could talk to anyone about all of this, he'd talk to you." I said, not looking at him.
It was now the evening after the dinner party, and I hadn't been able to move throughout the afternoon. Jude had stayed with me and made sure I got in the shower, changed my clothes, even forced me to eat something, which I flatly refused to do. My mind had been working on overdrive thinking about what had actually happened, whether it had been an actual reality or a dream, and why Daniel had left me with nothing but a cryptic clue which did nothing but contradict his actions.
I was covered up with a blanket, and wore black leggings and a black oversized Ramones T-shirt that I had had ever since I was a teenager. The first thing I had reached for that morning was one of Daniel's many large shirts which I wore around the house all the time, but this would only make the throbbing pain of losing him flare up all over again; a rekindled flame that would only grow bigger and bigger, and prove difficult to fully extinguish.
"What did he mean...... stay away from Sonja...." Jude started again, and I could only hope and pray he would take the hint that his efforts were being wasted on me, but I no longer had the energy to speak.
"I..... I.... need to get out of here.... I need to clear my head. I'm going to go for a walk. Thanks.... for everything." I said to Jude, as I started to get up and slowly start to compose myself so I could brave the elements outside. Jude slowly got up and stood still in front of me. He gave me a smile full of sympathy and nodded his head slowly. He walked away from me and out into the hallway. I followed him, and reached for my trench coat and a scarf which I wrapped around me absent-mindedly. We walked towards the door together, before Jude stopped in his tracks and turned and looked at me.
"Are you sure I can't drop you anywhere.... we could go to get something to eat... coffee maybe? I'm not sure you should be on your own."
"I haven't been on my own. You've been here all this time, watching me slowly combust with alcohol, but right now, I just need to be on my own. I could use the fresh air."
"Sure." Jude said, putting a hand on my shoulder. As his hands landed on my skin, I closed my eyes and breathed in. Somehow, I wanted to take comfort, reassurance, and optimism from this small show of comfort. When I breathed out and opened my eyes to see Jude again, I realised that he had made me feel a lot better, more than I had given him credit for. I gave him a small smile as we both walked through the doorframe, closing the door hard behind me. Jude walked back towards his car and I watched him for a matter of seconds before I turned away from him and walked in the other direction.
I looked up and could see the dark clouds rolling in as the sky began to slowly change from blue to grey, and before long, I could feel small droplets of rain start to fall lightly around me and on my face. I looked down to find that my boots were far from waterproof, but somehow I could feel myself in the mood for a challenge, and wondered exactly for how long and for how far I could weather the upcoming storm and its elements before I had had enough. With everything that had happened, I needed something simple, effective, and uncomplicated to focus my energy on.
I wrapped my trench tighter around me and started to walk faster. I walked past gramercy park, bryant park, and through the meatpacking district to get to one of my favourite places in the world - a favourite place of mine from childhood that I shared with my brother Darren - Phoenix Point was always the first place I went to when I needed to escape, find relief, hide away from the world, relax, or when I needed somewhere to think - it had always been one of those places where if something was bothering me, looking out at the view and the scenery of the rest of the city would always help to lighten my load.
Fast forward 30 minutes, and I'm there, staring out at the skyline in front of me, when I realize someone has interrupted my precious moments of time up here, alone.
I turn around, infuriating, not being able to understand why this city never sleeps and allows me some time alone, I look around, only to find Daniel staring back at me, unmoving, and perfectly still.
My heart skips and my mind starts to race, and I quickly remember that I need to breathe. Quick gasps of air escape my throat and I can only imagine that he is here to taunt me, to remind me what I can't have.
"What are you doing here?" I say to him slowly. "How did you find me?"
"I just thought you would need some time to think.... and I imagined you'd be here. I had to find you. I just wanted to see you. Now that I know you're OK, I can leave now..." Daniel said, his eyes avoiding mine.
He turned away from me, but something inside of me snapped. I ran towards him and grabbed him by the arm, using all of the strength inside me to turn his body back towards mine, and whether he wanted to look at me, to face me or not, I didn't care. I didn't care what he wanted, I wanted him, a small part of me had always wanted him, even when the damage like now, seemed irreperable.
"Look at me....." I said, searching for any emotion in his face, which he struggled to keep blank.
We faced each other now, stony and silent in our expressions and body language.
"You came to find me for a reason. Why have you come back?" I said, wanting to know the truth.
"I don't love Sonja. I never have, and I never will. What I said to you that night was true. You need to stay away from Sonja. But I can't stay away from you. I can't leave while you stay here alone."
"What are you saying Daniel?"
"Sonja called me the night of the party and said that if I didn't break up with you for good, she would kill you. She promised that she would, and having seen the look in her eyes, I believed her. I had to say anything I could think of to break up with you, and you're pretty gullible, and I'm a good liar when I want to be, so it wasn't difficult. But we need to get away. Its been killing me, not being able to be with you. But we need to leave. I don't know if we can come back.
*
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