Stacie Anderson, [West Manhattan, New York City, NY]
"Do not seek the because - in Love there is no because, no reason, no explanations, no solutions."
- Anais Nin
"Do not seek the because - in Love there is no because, no reason, no explanations, no solutions."
- Anais Nin
I woke up with a start, my eyelids slowly opening, feeling strangely euphoric - and let out a long, deep breath. I was certain I had been dreaming, and even now, as I lay in bed as my eyes wondered lazily around the room, nothing around me felt permanent, almost as if I expected my current surroundings to shift and change, so my reality would end up being somewhere else entirely different.
The reasons I had to believe I had been dreaming were endless, but I could narrow them down to just two. The first - my current mood was one of euphoria - I was happy, actually happy, as opposed to the past 3 months of having that ever prevalent feeling of sadness and emptiness at the back of my thoughts. The second - Daniel was standing in front of me - no words, no explanations, just him. He hadn't changed much in his god-like appearance, but his whole demeanour was different - he seemed to be a changed man in most of his actions - the way he stood, even the way he looked at me.
My body slightly stiffened underneath the mound of duvet in front of me - I struggled to believe he was here - he couldn't be here - not like this, and not in my bedroom - my dream theory gathering more momentum and significance with every passing second.
I was about to ask him a question - I wanted to ask him so many - what was he doing here in my room - in front of me? Why can't you stop appearing in my dreams? Why can't this be a possible reality?
At that moment, I opened my eyelids slowly, my eyes adjusting to the sudden bright light in the room.
My dream bedroom had been exactly the same as this - from the big things, right down to the small things, and as I looked around me I noticed that my door was slightly ajar - the same as in my dream, and the silk pale pink camisole I had noticed draped over my wicker chair in the corner was still prevalent in my actual bedroom, that in fact, everything mirrored my dream bedroom exactly.
I lay in the bed, mounds of white duvet crumpled around me, lying perfectly still and motionless, not wanting to move too much or try to strain my eyes outside my line of vision - not for now. I could do it in a minute or two.
"Stacie?"
There it was. That voice, and I looked up, raising my head slowly, as if in slow motion, taking my time and making sure my head didn't come up too fast to avoid any confusion over what I was about to see. I didn't even have to look to know who it was, but during the past 3 months, my mind had been here too many times before for me to know for certain that I could trust my own thoughts and feelings, and especially my dreams.
This was the one voice I could - and would respond to, answer to, whether I was asleep or awake, the voice that on occasion, I had reminded myself of the reasons behind surrendering to that voice, over and over again, even when I didn't want to.
I looked up to see Daniel looking back down at me, to find my head lying comfortably against his chest, and I immediately started to panic. Daniel was smiling, and now placed an arm carefully around my shoulder. I studied the length of his body, his face as I looked across and took the rest of my bedroom in, seeming suddenly new and alien to me in the morning light. I noticed my hand was wrapped around Daniel's waist, and as for my own body, the one thing that was different was the impromptu arrival of a beautiful bracelet around my wrist, that I was sure had not been there the night before. Daniel looked down at me and I felt his hands reach over and stroke my stomach gently, a stomach which once had been curved, but had now resumed its original shape - concave and flat. I shifted uncomfortably and awkwardly, but his hand remained in place, before moving upwards towards my fingers, interlocking my own with his.
He pressed his warm, soft lips against my cheek, before kissing the top of my head slowly. And although we didn't look at each other, a huge smile appeared on both of our faces as I lay in his arms, thinking to myself that my dream had, in actual fact, been prophetic enough to turn from a dream into an actual reality.
The reasons I had to believe I had been dreaming were endless, but I could narrow them down to just two. The first - my current mood was one of euphoria - I was happy, actually happy, as opposed to the past 3 months of having that ever prevalent feeling of sadness and emptiness at the back of my thoughts. The second - Daniel was standing in front of me - no words, no explanations, just him. He hadn't changed much in his god-like appearance, but his whole demeanour was different - he seemed to be a changed man in most of his actions - the way he stood, even the way he looked at me.
My body slightly stiffened underneath the mound of duvet in front of me - I struggled to believe he was here - he couldn't be here - not like this, and not in my bedroom - my dream theory gathering more momentum and significance with every passing second.
I was about to ask him a question - I wanted to ask him so many - what was he doing here in my room - in front of me? Why can't you stop appearing in my dreams? Why can't this be a possible reality?
At that moment, I opened my eyelids slowly, my eyes adjusting to the sudden bright light in the room.
My dream bedroom had been exactly the same as this - from the big things, right down to the small things, and as I looked around me I noticed that my door was slightly ajar - the same as in my dream, and the silk pale pink camisole I had noticed draped over my wicker chair in the corner was still prevalent in my actual bedroom, that in fact, everything mirrored my dream bedroom exactly.
I lay in the bed, mounds of white duvet crumpled around me, lying perfectly still and motionless, not wanting to move too much or try to strain my eyes outside my line of vision - not for now. I could do it in a minute or two.
"Stacie?"
There it was. That voice, and I looked up, raising my head slowly, as if in slow motion, taking my time and making sure my head didn't come up too fast to avoid any confusion over what I was about to see. I didn't even have to look to know who it was, but during the past 3 months, my mind had been here too many times before for me to know for certain that I could trust my own thoughts and feelings, and especially my dreams.
This was the one voice I could - and would respond to, answer to, whether I was asleep or awake, the voice that on occasion, I had reminded myself of the reasons behind surrendering to that voice, over and over again, even when I didn't want to.
I looked up to see Daniel looking back down at me, to find my head lying comfortably against his chest, and I immediately started to panic. Daniel was smiling, and now placed an arm carefully around my shoulder. I studied the length of his body, his face as I looked across and took the rest of my bedroom in, seeming suddenly new and alien to me in the morning light. I noticed my hand was wrapped around Daniel's waist, and as for my own body, the one thing that was different was the impromptu arrival of a beautiful bracelet around my wrist, that I was sure had not been there the night before. Daniel looked down at me and I felt his hands reach over and stroke my stomach gently, a stomach which once had been curved, but had now resumed its original shape - concave and flat. I shifted uncomfortably and awkwardly, but his hand remained in place, before moving upwards towards my fingers, interlocking my own with his.
He pressed his warm, soft lips against my cheek, before kissing the top of my head slowly. And although we didn't look at each other, a huge smile appeared on both of our faces as I lay in his arms, thinking to myself that my dream had, in actual fact, been prophetic enough to turn from a dream into an actual reality.
*
Darren Anderson, Phoenix Point, West Brooklyn, New York City, NY
"These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume."
- 'Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 6' -William Shakespeare
I was in excruciating pain that surged through every part of me, with nowhere left to run, and nobody else for me to turn to. I was running out of actions, and somewhere, a small part of me felt that there was nothing I could do to help her anymore. The Doctors had been helpful, but vague and inexperienced in their decisions and subsequent diagnosis, wanting this particular type of illness to have a label, just like everything else, so that it could be easily prescribed for, but the truth was it was a lot more complicated than they could have ever imagined. Tasha wouldn't talk to me for hours, sometimes days, always trying to defend her actions by saying she was simply too busy, but however much I knew this was part of her avoidance and self doubt, I liked to believe that a small part of her was still listening to the hometruths that I delivered to her.
It was killing me inside to watch my beautiful, lovely wife show nothing but deep disdain and dislike towards Autumn - our child who was inevitably, a part of both of us, but no matter how I tried, forcing Tasha to do something in general without her consent was never a very good idea. The worst part was all of this was seeing Tasha change her behaviour so quickly and erratically towards Autumn, which made my heart ache.
Autumn was now almost a year old, her face still had the same beautiful features as always, making it impossible to resist her, not only to me but with every single person she came into contact with, be it that they are young or old. Unless Autumn made some kind of significant gesture with her hands, which she was still working out how to use, amazed she could touch things with different textures, being incredibly co-ordinated and bright and alert, then Tasha didn't acknowlege her existence in the room whatsoever. Autumn had been accustomed to this over the few months, and always made sure her hands and feet flayed around playfully for attention, until someone, her mother, started to pay attention. The only problem, when Tasha had been suffering non stop with this disease for so long, nothing really managed to catch her eye and stay there.
On other days, when Tasha was bubbly and excited, on waking in the morning, Tash would walk towards Autumn's bed and play with her once she woke up from her dreams, startled and excited her mother was in front of her, and I was overcome with excitement that for once, Autumn would not be screaming at me outside for her mother and getting absolutely nothing in return.
Autumn would laugh and giggle with happiness as she spent time playing and bonding with Tasha for what seemed like endless hours on end as they lay on top of the sofa, on top of the huge, scarlet cushions, but I knew she would switch again, her mood was change, and the light would switch off again, thrusting our worlds into darkness. I thought about all of this as I could see Autumn laughing, her hands playing around in Tash's own, before both of them collapsed into peals of giggles, Autumn pressing her soft, dimpled palms on Tasha's cheek as Autumn casually played around with the word 'Mama' in her mouth, saying it every now and again and sneaking a look at us for what we're going to say.
But by the end of the day, having promised Autumn a trip to the park that very same day, to see the ducks and fish, to which Autumn's entire face had lightened up with glee, Tasha again, refused to carry out her promise to her one year old, and walked back out of the room, unbothered and unscathed, passing Autumn and her face, filled with salty tears, her bottom lip shaking slightly.
Posts
